i know i have done a lot of things to disappoint my family. but it's not like i did those on purpose. i've always believed that im a strong person, that im mature, that i can handle things my own way. but that faith in myself is starting to crash.
im 21 years old, and im still in college. been to 4 different universities, majored in nursing to psychology and now special education. why i kept on transferring has to do with my dad not satisfied with my grades and financial reasons. why i shifted from one course to another is because i was just forced to take up nursing and then i got kicked out of the psychology program.
it wasn't easy.
when i was in high school, i was so excited to get into college and i swore that i'll graduate by the time im 20. but i took a different path. i didn't noticed that im taking the wrong one. i was devastated. i got used to myself going up on stage receiving awards, being recognized in school for being on top of the class, being sent to seminars and workshops and then, everything has changed.
we make our own choices. we drive our own car. we write our own story.
i drove my own car and smashed it big time! i'm writing my own story but im still having a hard time looking for a happy ending. im making my own choices but apparently, it's not the good ones.
when things like that happen, your family will always be there for you. my family is... ---at the moment.
i remember my mom being so happy whenever i get awards. the smile on her face, how she talks about me with her friends just feels so good that that alone can make me do my very best. she was ALWAYS there. even if i get low grades, she was there. if i feel so down, she was there to encourage me. when i feel scared, she was there to accompany me.
but where was the rest of my family? i know my sister was there, too. we clash a lot but i know she's proud of me. when i need help, even if it irritates her, even if she doesn't feel like helping me, she still drop hints on what i should do. she has her own little ways of making me feel than im not alone especially when our mom died.
my dad? he was there, "pasulpot-sulpot". i just really felt his presence when i was in high school. a lot of rules. a lot of arguments. major discussions that ends with him being always right ( i guess a lot of fathers are like these). i hated my dad. he was the complete opposite of my mom. but as years passed, he started to listen and we're all ok now. at least...
my brother was my hero. WAS. im thankful for him. he saved me through my darkest days. but we all grow up and in some ways, we lose the person we used to know. was my hero. im sure you're wondering why...
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this isn't exactly what i wanted to write. but as i ran my fingers through the keyboard, i just can't stop. there's just a lot of thoughts in my mind and it's all jumbled up now.. my fingers can't keep up.
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
2 comments:
it's usually the fear of disappointing our love one that drives to do things that would please them. but the mistake is not thinking long and hard before making a decision and not knowing yourself well enough that leaves us feeling cornered and frustrated.
i've been to two universities and took up two different courses before my present one. i always thought what i did was what i wanted but back then i didn't know how to compromise. i bummed for a sem before making my final decision, and sticking to it has been difficult especially in the beginning when sometimes there were roadblocks which i thought were signs that i should turn to another direction again. i've had no regrets so far. maybe my present contentment has got something to do with luck too, but you still gotta have the capacity to work your luck.
and btw, there is no right age for education. kaya mo yan. :)
i should work harder on my typos. ^^
it's usually the fear of disappointing our loved ones that drives us to do things that would please them. but the mistake is not thinking long and hard before making a decision and not knowing yourself well enough that leaves us feeling cornered and frustrated.
i've been to two universities and took up two different courses before my present one. i always thought what i did was what i wanted but back then i didn't know how to compromise. i bummed for a sem before making my final decision, and sticking to it has been difficult especially in the beginning when sometimes there were roadblocks which i thought were signs that i should turn to another direction again. i've had no regrets so far. maybe my present contentment has got something to do with luck too, but you still gotta have the capacity to work your luck.
and btw, there is no right age for education. kaya mo yan. :)
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