10th year

as December 2 approached, 10 years ago, I received a phone call from my moms co-teacher telling me that they rushed my mom in the hospital & is in coma. BLANK.

FAST FORWARD-------
Now as I look back to that night, I can’t imagine how my 13 year old self was able to handle it without breaking down or going hysterical. i had a plan. It was to call my mom’s bestfriends (Tita Jez and Tita Angel) –but none of them can be reached. So I called my brother who is not answering his phone so I called my Aunt where my brother lives. I was able to talk to Kuya and he told me to call Papa. I did but not after telling my cousin, Bj (I informed her coz I was about to greet her a happy birthday and I know she’s up coz it was Ramadhan that time). When I was able to call Papa, I know I was crying when I told him but i know I can be understood. He told me to pack and first thing in the morning he’s going to pick me up and we’ll go to davao (that was where mama was when she had her heart attack). We did the next day with my mom’s 2 siblings and we also dropped by in Kabacan to get Ate, which has no idea what just happened.

FAST FORWARD-------
I want to talk to my 13 year old self and ask her what was I thinking. why didn’t I cried? Thinking about that night and the following night and that afternoon my Mom died, it seemed like I didn’t lost her. I know I was sad and devastated but I was like ok. My life after that, how I was in school or with my friends, was pretty normal. Idk. All I know is that I didn’t sulk or got mad on God. Or go suicidal and blaming other people.

FAST FORWARD-------
I guess the effect on me was different. I was ok in high school. Yes, there’s the constant clash between me and my sister and the i-hate-you moments with my Dad but everything was ok. Or I thought it was. Everything spiraled when I entered college. Every decisions and actions I made, it’s either wrong or ok but brings disappointment to my family. I hated myself but with each step I take, I was dragged back. It was hell but I don’t regret it. It was hard but it shaped me the person I am today. Im not the best but I am proud to be this strong and willing to still live life. There’s a bunch of people my age and older than me who are just helpless. They can’t even freakin do a simple household chore or whine over small things. They can’t take a simple blow, they just break down and have a hard time getting up. Whatever. All I know is that, God takes away things in your life, or someone very important but he doesn’t leave you with nothing.

FAST FORWARD------
I miss my mom soooo much! Everyday, I think about her and every night I try to control my dreams just so I can see her there. that’s my only way of somewhat being physically with her. and just this afternoon, she was there. She asked me to follow her on the beach and I did with my younger cousin, Bea. What I saw was paradise! Clear, blue water… coconut trees, white sand, really nice people.. but she was on the other resort so she told us to go back and enter the next resort. On the way there, I was still amazed on what I saw. Colorful structures, statue of angels that are swaying (statues swaying—can you believe it?), fountains and rides for kids… it was super pretty and I said to myself, I wanted to stay there. but we got lost and we can’t find the entrance and the next thing I know, im back on the couch sleeping. I stood up and turned on the lights but it wouldn’t turn on. This time, I was half dreaming. I know because I can hear my neighbors’ voice outside telling her helper to close the gate, and I can hear the rain and I feel my pillow. But I don’t want to move, I want to go back to my Mom and her paradise. But everything was dark and I was trying to get some light. I was in the middle of wanting to be with her and just being to see the things around me. Light won and I was sad for a second but I realized Mama’s happy and I should be too. She was smiling in my dream. And that paradise I saw, I think it was her telling me that she’s in a very happy place and that she’s waiting there for me. (ok, now im crying…) ..i should be happy. And I should stay strong because the darkness I saw, I believe are the things I still need to go through. But there was light after so I know I’ll be ok. Just like what she used to tell me when she was alive, “be strong and NEVER QUIT. Have faith and as much as possible, always see the positive side of things” …

I can still go on and on but this is getting long. And I can’t see much coz of my tears. I’m not really sad. I just wished I had longer years to spend with her but I know she’s just around, watching over me. That even if she’s not physically here, somehow, I feel that im still spending my life with her.

*** I miss you, Ma! I know I have made a lot of mistakes but I also know that if you were here, you’ll stay by my side and ask me what’s wrong and would listen and never tell me wrong. I know you’ll work with me and help me. I know you’ll guide me but will never impose on me. Thank you! How I still get up after each fall, how I still smile after each blow, how I forgive even if it hurts, how I love even if there’s no reason left anymore, how I stay positive even if almost everything around me is below zero, how I fight & speak up to be heard even if I know some people will get hurt ---I owe it to you. I am strong because of you. I am strong because you believed in me and you never failed to encourage me with whatever I want to do even if I change my mind the way I change my clothes. You never left me. you’re just here, I know that. And because of that, I’m still fighting. I’ll make you more proud so soon, Mama. I promise you that. and the snow? I’ll get there, we’ll get there… I LOVE YOU and I’ll see you when it’s my time to go. Please be in the front line?

Fifty-eight

… souls
… families mourning and more
… plus dreams shattered
crumbled and burned
… souls
… dreaming big
… trying to capture memories
Not knowing they’ll be one of the biggest history
… souls
… screaming for justice
A year of longing for what the government promised
… souls we need to pray for
… souls who suffered from the hands of those demons
… souls crying out for help
… souls trying to reach our hands
To help fight for them
To help fight with their loved ones
To help fight for our freedom
And learn to stand on our own two feet
And learn to speak
And not be scared of truth
58 souls, but a whole lot more died with them that day…



May they all Rest In Peace…

HE WILL ALWAYS BE THAT BABY BOY

Last September my dad and my sister’s family were here in Cebu for my brother’s church wedding. Spending time with my family is something I really hold dear since I hardly go home in our hometown in Mindanao. So I always grab the opportunity to spend time with them even if I’m dead tired from school.

My sister’s eldest son, Yco is like my best friend/mortal enemy. I babysat him when he was 3 years old while my sister was having a difficult pregnancy on her 2nd son. And so we had a lot of moments together. Both good and bad. We just love to hate each other and after a minute we’re like inseparable! We would play together and he would always want to go with me whenever I leave the house. But when it’s hating time, the house is a total chaos. We would just drive everyone nuts! Its like I’m not an 18 year old who is supposed to take care of a 3 year old boy.

Anyway, im 23 and Yco is now 8 years old. Before September, we haven’t seen each other for months! The last time I was able to spend time with him was last Christmas and before that, I haven’t seen him for 2 years! There are just a lot of changes. He’s not a baby anymore. He has a crush and would blush whenever I mention the girl’s name. He doesn’t want to be hugged or kissed in public and even inside the house, he would squirm and push me away.

It was a struggle for me to get a hug from him when he came here in Cebu. I can only kiss him when he’s fast asleep. Hold his hand when were crossing a street. So one night on our way home from going around Cebu and Lapu-Lapu, he stayed at the back of the van, in the compartment area. I was tired and falling asleep. Then I felt these tiny arms making its way around me from the back. Yco was hugging me and gave me a kiss on the head thinking I’m asleep. I wanted to blurt out, “Ha! You missed me!” but I chose to just pretend to be asleep and savor the minutes of him being sweet again. Gladly, my sister was able to take a shot before he goes back to his i-don’t-like-you moment.


And yes, I’m wearing my uniform. Followed them in a restaurant after my class and I didn’t know that they’re still not done. I still had so much fun anyway.

When he lay down and started humming, I looked down on him and said, “I love you, Yco!” and he just continued doing his thing like he didn’t hear anything. He just took my tiredness and sleepiness away!

see her unfold

im just human. i make mistakes like every one does. and i'm trying to make up for those stupid mistakes. everyday i'm hunted by those mistakes. every day i try to cover it up with something nice. but every day, i know behind those eyes are disappointments and lies.

i'm getting older and i should've known better. there's no excuses for my decisions and actions. i know that. coz at some point, i wanted that to happen. but i'm not perfect. and i'm still a work in progress. everyone of us are. and i'm sorry for the pains i've caused. i'm getting older and i should've known better. but somehow, i'm still stuck on being this little girl who longs for her mom.

every day is a struggle. i'm not being ungrateful or anything. i am absolutely grateful for my family and friends around. but everyday i'm struggling to find myself and pull myself out of that little girl. if you lost your mom at a young age, grew up in a broken family, heard your parents fight every night, see your mom cry, you'd know what i'm talking about. actually, i was pretty much ok when my parents separated. it was when my mom passed away that had a huge impact in me.

as much as i'm trying to be a better person, just when i'm about to put the last piece, i breakdown again. over and over and over.. an unending cycle. i need my mom. i seriously need her. she's my refuge and cornerstone. my backbone. and she left. she told my aunt how i'll be okay because my dad and siblings will take care of me and that she knows that even if things'll go wrong, i'll still be fine. i hope so.

i have my family and GOD knows how much i want to make them proud again. i used to do that. getting good grades even if i've engaged myself to a lot of extra curricular activites, saving a lot money from my allowance, being sent to seminars and workshops and contests each year... they were happy. and i can't wait for the day to see them happy about me again. i hope i'm on the right track now. i don't care if i have to breakdown everyday as long as i can make them happy. because i owe them a lot.

im not a bad person. but i break, too. and sometimes, people mistook that for me being such a brat. and it's sad because they don't really ask what's wrong. and that's one reason why i need my Ma. because even if she's sooo mad at me, she listens. not that the people around me doesn't listen. they do. but it's different when it's your mom. there's a huge difference!

idk what i'm saying anymore.

i guess i just wanted to say sorry to everyone i have offended. sorry for the pains and hurt i have caused. sorry that i appear ungrateful. sorry if i rant a lot. sorry if i've been disrespectful. sorry for the times i acted like a total brat. sorry for being such a pain in the a**. sorry for not doing the things you've expected from me.

but i wish you would also see the positive things i have done and not dwell on the negatives. i wish you would understand that it's hard for me too. i wish you'd understand where i came from and that i'm trying to be better. i wish that you'd stop thinking that i'm ungrateful because every minute of the day, i pray and thank God for the blessings bestowed upon me. i also pray for the people who are helping me, that you will all be showered with so much graces. but again, there's no way to please everyone. so i'll just do my very best to please those who means the most to me. my family.

i know i sometimes act differently from what i say and vice versa. and it's complicated. but i'm putting an effort. if that's not enough, i will exert more just so things'll be better.

my blog is serving its purpose. letting me rant. i feel a lil better now. i'll feel a whole lot better though when the time comes that the people around me is smiling and happy and proud of the person i have become.

YOU don't matter.

People would say that I’m a total brat. When I was a kid, if I don’t like you, I would really hate you even if you’ve done nothing wrong against me. Some people would say that I’m super friendly and sweet. That’s because of how much I would show my affection to the people I care for and adore. I’m a true blue Gemini. I don’t just have 2 sides. I have 101 of them. That’s what makes me confusing and complicated. And it makes it hard for most people to relate and to get to know me. There are just a few people who know how to handle me. But, I wouldn’t say that they know who I am really. It’s just that they got used to my amazing mood swings and endless list of new “me’s.”

I believe I’m nice. Everyone one of us is. We are just placed with people and put in situations where we can’t help but unleash the devils inside us. We try to be patient and considerate and be graceful about each situation because well, were nice and we know better than step down on their level.

Sometimes, enough is enough though. Like right now, I’m tired of being nice to this person. It’s really sad because this person I consider one of my closest friends. Because I would tell Person X (I don’t want to say he or she or even name the person) almost everything of what’s going on in my life. Person X and I would go out together, eat out and do stuff together. So, what’s wrong? Well, I’ve been trying to be really patient about it but I’ve reached my limit.

You know how sometimes you do everything. EVERYTHING. And then someone gets mad and you’re still the one to blame. And then you turn to this person and pour your heartaches and disappointments of the things around and how you wish things would be different. You tell that person how it hurts you and how it would be nice to sit and talk things out. And then, that person would give you advices and would comfort you and remind you that thing’s will be ok. And you smile because you believe in what that person is saying.

Person X is like that. The problem? The fact that Person X knows what bothers me and how certain things and situations make me sad doesn’t change anything. Because Person X actually does the very thing on why the people around gets mad at me. In short, everything Person X said to me was all a fake. I expect Person X to be more considerate on the things around but no. It’s the complete opposite!

I know I sound confusing but this post is meant to just let my frustration out. I’ll write a clearer scenario about this one next time. All I know, right now, is that I’m not someone’s trash cleaner or dust wiper. I’m going to leave everything as it is and watch it rot. Call me a brat but I don't really care anymore. You're opinions doesn't matter to me now.

sweet lady, why did you have to go so soon?

3 years ago i met someone on the internet. in blogspot. her name was Irma but i call her Mimi. twas on Bianca Gonzales' blog entry that i saw her. she left a comment and i liked what she said (i can't remember the post anymore). so i started reading her blog, too. i had so much fun reading her entries. and then i found out that we were just in the same city!



we talked a lot for months and leave each other comments and messages on facebook and on our blog sites. she helped me whenever i have problems with codes and even was about to make a new template for me.

then suddenly her posts became rare to none. i thought it was just a writers block. but two months after there was a new post. i would be smiling for that's what her posts makes me feel but what i read saddened me. my new friend died. She died October 21, 2008. i thought twas a joke but there was a picture. so i immediately went to her facebook page and read the posts on her wall. confirmed. she passed away. i added someone who posted a message on her wall and sent him a message. he was a family friend and haven't seen Irma for a long time and he was amazed at how Irma grew up to be a fine lady. he told me that she died because of something about lack of potassium.

it's her 2nd year death anniversary yesterday.

she's still on my blog roll. she's one of the first people who really paid attention to what i write. i miss her. she was only 24 when she passed away. just 4 years older than me but we're like soul sisters. we never even met personally because our schedules were so insane. she works at night, i have school during the day.

anyway, if you want to read her posts, check it ---> HERE

i miss you Mi. i hope you're having a good time there and is still writing. shower those happy thoughts on me, will you? so i can somewhat forward them to other people. say Hi to my Mama for me. we'll be blogging side by side when its my time go. but right now, im gona do that from here.

Mr. Pineapple and Ms. Raisins

I eat everything. Of course those are edible. Ok, not exactly everything. There are some foods that I can’t eat. Not that I’m allergic or is not allowed by my religion (I’m a Roman Catholic) but because I don’t like it. But majority of the foods around, I can swallow. I’ve tried eating exotic foods, too. Like, farm frog, duck egg (we call it Balot here in the Philippines), fried grasshopper, snake and a monitor lizard. Its either fried or adobo (where you put soy sauce and vinegar). I love trying out foods. I love to explore and get to know one’s culture through the food they eat. I’m like so far away from what I wanna talk about. But it’s the same. I was talking about food. It’s just I want to focus more on pineapples and raisins.

I used to sneak in my grandparents’ kitchen just to get a small box of Sun-Maid raisins. I just love to munch away with it upon waking up from a nap. Thing is it’s my Lola’s favorite so I have to be discreet. I can’t really take a box unless there are a lot of them. if not, then I’ll end up just taking a few pieces. My Lolo would even tell me that its a goats poop. wel, it kinda looks like one. haha! but i still love them. I’m all smiles whenever my Mom would buy a box. It’s what I would bring in school and eat during recess. I was famous! Because most kids in my class doesn’t really know about raisins may be because it’s not really a kid’s food. I was around 4-5 years old at that time.



And here comes Mr. Pineapple. Laugh at me now but my first encounter with him was in a can (I’m not really sure how old I was that time). And yep! Del Monte baby! I just love opening those cans and pouring everything on a bowl especially when its cold. when i was older, around 17, while studying in Bohol, i would spend my weekends at my cousins house. there, my uncle would always munch on pineapples or watermelons or apples.. i was reunited with my love, Mr. Pineapple during my stay in Bohol. and this time, Mr. Salt joined our company. my uncle introduced me to him and im glad he did. our journey got better!



I'm in love of these two. reminds me of old days. simple pleasures in life. BUT! yes, there's a BUT.. i like to eat my Mr and Ms as it is. I don't like Hawaiian Pizzas, or any dishes that has pineapple on it. you'll see me piling pineapples on the side just because. i have the same drama with raisins. i don't like it mixed with my food. pile pile pile em all on the side. like i loathe them so much to ignore their yummyness. like they've betrayed me and they're unforgivable. i know it's not their fault to be mixed with other food but whatever!

why am i writing this? well, i ate some del monte pineapple tidbits (free advertising) earlier while watching Modern Family. and it brought me back to memory lane and made me realize how weird i am for going crazy over it but hating it when it's mixed. oh well, im like that.

failing in college? READ THIS.

At 17 years old, you're supposed to be a freshman in college. you're expected to finish at 20. unless you have a 5 year course or decided to proceed to have a Masters Degree. but that's the limit. 4 years.

i was a freshman college at 17. im 23 now, and i still have 2 semesters and 1 summer to do before i get hold of my diploma. 7 years. though i stopped for a semester, still SEVEN FREAKIN YEARS is blinking over my head.

the speech you're about to read, was just shared by a friend of mine from high school, Fatima. (thank you sooo much! super big help to sa akin. i can read it over and over again whenever i feel like giving up) and to whoever wrote this, I SALUTE YOU! for being real and for helping us. 3 lang naman yung bagsak ko. 1 sa nursing. 2 sa psychology. now that im in SPED, im proud to say UNO na grado ko. but my family can't seem to get over the fact that i FAILED and that IM STILL IN SCHOOL. so, thank you for writing this. you gave me a bunch of hope. hopefully, by posting your speech here in my blog, it'll help other students to not give up as well.
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This speech was delivered by a La Sallian engineer in one of the graduation ceremonies at the UP College of Engineering.

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Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito, kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number ka na nagsisimula sa “94” at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong school year at umabot ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.

Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.

Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating mga magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong makaahon. Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang pakialam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng “Summa Cum Laude”, “Best Thesis Award” at “Leadership Award.” Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng “Hang-on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay” award.

Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?

Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.

Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo “Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba’t kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya.”

Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na “Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang,” pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?

Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang “TAKE 5 NA KO!!!” o “Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc.” Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na namang ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term.

Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa “Star Student” na sabihing “Nay, bagsak ako.” at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na “Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?” Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.

Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything. Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaabot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.

Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumagpak, muntik-muntikan nang masipa o yung sa lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit alam mong hindi ito magiging patas sa iyo. Saludo ako na kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.

Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo namang may patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron?

Maaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e ba’t titigilan niyo yung pagti-tiyaga ngayon?

Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sisipagin ka lang, malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang.

Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako.

I’ve been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na ang umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na ang masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.

Akin ang transcript na ito.

Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto. Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako.

This is a rebellion. I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor THAT TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it’s supposed to be the graduate’s moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times.

Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.

i need some serious help

i should be happy coz my last exam for the semester just ended yesterday. but something happened last night that up til im bothered. im on the verge of really giving up. not just with him but with everything. im on that line again. im no quitter. i don't like it. i fight. but sometimes, when you're fighting so hard but the things and people you're fighting for would still think you're doing nothing makes you just want to raise a white flag and get killed.

i live in a place where the only family i have seems like just another person. in short, i feel alone. as happy and bubbly i am, im sad inside. i just don't want to show it because i don't want it to affect other people. so i try my best. to still spread some positivity even if that means me falling apart at night. i live far away from the guy i soooo want to be with. it's hard because i don't talk to him as much. because, my school is eating my time and i don't have wifi anymore, and i have to save because i need to budget my allowance and stop asking money from my brother. but these reasons are not enough. apparently, im just not making much effort. ouch!

that's the same thing with my brother. im not good enough. im not doing what i really have to do. im lax. im too lazy. i complain a lot. i don't show gratitude and the list goes on. and now im hearing that from the guy i love. and its breaking me into tiny pieces. its not like my heart was fixed. its not and will never be. its broken already and then this!

i wish there's a camera 24/7 following me. so people would see how much im suffering. how much im working hard. how much i want to be the best for them. they're not seeing it or feeling it. so if there's a psychiatrist reading this or some professional who is an expert on these kind of thing, please leave a comment or tweet me at @chinobrooke. because im seriously in dire need of help.

isang taon

3 years ago, I met a guy in class. He was just visiting during a semester-end class party. 3 years ago, he picked me out of 50 something students to help him with his trick. 3 years ago, I saw magic before my very eyes and was hungry for more. 3 years ago, our very first picture was taken, exchange emails for Myspace and that was it.

The following years were quiet. Hi’s and hello’s. buzzes and what’s up. Comments on Myspace and Friendster. Nothing. Magic was slowly fading.

Month of August 2009. Magic reappeared. Picture comment boxing sessions on facebook. Wall comments. Chapters everynight. Sparks everywhere. Rainbows and butterflies. What I thought was nothing suddenly became everything to me.

Today, September 9, 2010, we’re celebrating our first year anniversary. One year old. One year of doing a long distance relationship. He’s in Florida. I’m here in Cebu City, Philippines. Exactly on the other side of the world. He visits every 3 months to recharge ourselves and help keep the faith. But this time, I’m not going to see him for 5 months. But I’m ok. Because we GOD it!

He made a video and finished his 6th book, One Year Old. Our story. He finished it in time for our anniversary. Amazed and gloriously happy! I have found my match. My soulmate. The guy I’m definitely going to spend my life with. Through gray hairs and arthritis, wrinkles and blurry vision, his hand is the one I’m going to hold without any doubts and hesitation. I found him. Yes. I am certain. Arthur Antonio aka Antino Art is the guy I’ll forever dance with in my journey.

It was September 9, 2007. The night I met him. Little did I know, 2 years after that, God was planning something. I couldn’t thank him enough. I got the best gift ever. A blessing. A miracle.

My future. My forever.

HAPPY 1st YEAR ANNIVERSARY ARTHUR ANTONIO!!!

check out JOHN WEST! :)

He'll be on stage at the Roxy at 4:45pm sharp for a 40 minute set.

HAVE FUN AND ENJOY HIS MUSIC! :)

family love

my sister and 2 nephews arrived here in cebu last monday. and i've been crazy busy trying to keep the house clean and trying to prevent my nephews to wreck everything they touch. so far, im doing a good job but im so tired. its good that i don't have a class because of the intrams. so, yep! i miss the fun during the intrams but i don't really care coz i'd rather be with my family who i haven't spend time with for a long time than be in school watching games and spending time with friends. it's not that i don't like it. i do. its just that family comes first to me.



im here in the apartment right now. my siblings went out to check something and im left here with the 2 lil boys. a 1 yr old a 4 yr old super naughty boys! but they're fun and cute. just when our about to pull your hair, they would smile at you, hug you or in Dylan's case, say 'i love you' ...now who can't resist that?

i can't wait for my dad and brother in law and Yco. it would be totally great to be with the whole family! ..next week, im back to school. its going to be crazy beating all the school work and noise here in the apartment but whatever. i wouldn't trade it for anything.

iLOVE Philippines. NO MATTER WHAT.

last monday, august 23, a hostage taking took place at Quirino Grandstand. i didn't see the live coverage on tv because i was busy being excited with my sister's arrival and 2 nephews. i just tuned in via twitter. later that day, i turned on the tv and still the hostage taking isn't done. while watching, all i can do is pray for the people inside the bus and for the hostage taker for his heart to soften and just let go of the people and not hurt them.

but we all know how it ended. 9 people killed, mostly Chinese tourists including the hostage taker, Senior Inspector Rolando Mendoza. the whole story on what triggered him to do this, how everything happened, the media and the SWAT team-- you can go to gmanews.tv. this post i made because my mind just won't stop thinking about it and i want to let it out so bad.

Some Filipinos in Hong Kong, lost their jobs because of how mad their boss are to what happened to their countrymen. some blame the media for showing everything on tv, even where the SWAT are positioned, gave the hostage taker an idea on what they're doing to stop him and how they're going to do it. he also saw on tv inside the bus how the police dragged his brother out from the scene and that made him even madder. some would blame the police in how the handled the whole thing. some blames all the Filipinos.

i love my country and i would defend it.

what happened last monday is an isolated case. hostage takings happens everywhere! i made this post with the citizens of HK in mind. please, do not generalize. we Filipinos are very hospitable and caring. we always strive to make our visitors happy. and we are also saddened of the outcome of the hostage taking. one Rolando Mendoza doesn't make the whole Philippines.

and to the Filipinos, it would be better if we should just help each other and pray rather than bad mouthing the government and everyone that was involved in the crisis. we should all work together and show other countries, that we are still the Filipinos who are always willing to help, and are nice. that Philippines is a country that's still worth visiting. that no matter what country you go to, there's always a possibility that something bad might happen.

to the Chinese people, we Filipinos don't like what happened either. and we are deeply sorry for what happened and the loss. we know that some of you are so mad and sad that no words can make your pain go away and with that, i pray for everyone's piece of mind and kind heart to be able to accept and forgive those who need it.

yea... YOU!

HEY! Hey YOU! yea you, the one reading this.guess what?im in love with the greatest guy anyone could ever have.he'll steal bread and make me red when he writes me poems that's not blah like this one i have.he'll prepare a hot bowl of soup when i get sick and also a hot cup of chocolate drink--minus sugar coz he forgot.but would definitely remember to give me kisses a lot.coz he knows i like that.whenever i get a tummy ache,he'll rub it till i get ok.and whenever i say ït's hot, he'll fan me like crazy and bring me to a cold spot.of course, an excuse to shower me with his amazing hugs.coz then, i'll feel a little chilly,but get warm again as he whispers some cheesy lines about our forever.and if ever im sad,he'll walk all the way to Gorordo or McDo to buy some chicken and fries,and see me smile,after he forms IM SORRY using ketchup while we try to talk and understand why we had a fight.Hey you reading this poem or whatever you call it,im in love with a guy named, Arthur Antonio, do you know?he lives near the beach but doesn't surf.he does magic to earn so he can return to his girlfriend's turf.he listens to jazz but looks like a rocker.there's still more but for now, this one's over...

talking to myself

*** i know there's a lot of people going through the same thing im going. i know there are people who are stuck somewhere but wanting so bad to break free and just flap their wings. i know there are people who needs a lil push to make them work on their dreams. i know there are people out there who doesn't have the confidence or the resources. but what they didn't know, it's just out there. their dream is just there waiting to be touched. waiting for their masters to make them a reality.

i know my dream is just out there. it may be hard for me right now but that doesn't mean im gona give up. im taking lil steps and believe it or not, its working. my dream of putting up a charity organization, raise funds through concerts, modelling, writing... i can see it. i may not go BIG, but at least im doing something.

i suggest you do the same. you owe it to yourself.

---------------------------------------

JUST DO IT!

You’re surrounded with mud but be glad you know how to hop
You can skip through it even if sometimes you slip
And if things get worse, you might curse
And hate life for giving you another reason to burst
But know in life you can’t give up
You just gotta keep going so you can achieve that
Something you've been dreaming about
it might take you years to reach that dream
but the feeling of not quitting is more than everything
life’s tough so you have to be tougher
it’s not easy but you got to enjoy the laughter
around you, coz a friend is there
who will never leave you
and your family who is willing to give support
in every step you take, so don’t break
you’re not alone.
Be strong, nothing’s wrong
If u shed a tear, don’t fear
Look up, He’s there,
The one who won’t leave you in despair
Have faith, don’t hesitate
He won’t just disappear.
It’s a challenge, something you can handle
A chance for you to grow
So go...
and live life to the fullest
achieve that dream and let no one take that away
For it’s yours and no one else's
your story, you make it happen
and watch it unfold
Take that step and never back down
Coz you’ll never know
It could be something so beautiful.

rhyming my wifi whatever rhyme

*** ok... story behind this one?
one night i was tryin to connect to wifi. not mine. neighbors wifi. FREE!!! and i was having a hard time i think its coz of the weather.. so while waiting, i ended up making this. and when i read this after, i can't stop laughing! was trying so hard to rhyme and ack! its just not me.. hahaha!
------------------------


CONNECT ME TO TENDA

Connected but nothing’s on the screen
Success yet nothing’s to be seen
I’ve been trying for hours
But it feels like I’m in planet Mars
TENDA, is on 3 bars
Open a window and you can start praying right now.
Im sweating and can’t stop thinking about you
Are you dreaming of me, too?
I want to be there when you wake up
Just like how you wait for me even if our time for today is up
I don’t want to miss you
But its happening again
I got a new surfboard but I can’t seem to bend
I need you to teach me so I can learn
You know im better if its you beside me
With my each and every turn
Im getting excited every minute
Yet every click happens to have shit in it
2 more hours till u open your brown eyes
2 more hours for me to fix this freakin lie
And when I get it, I’ll rejoice
Nothing beats seeing your face and hearing your voice
From Souteast Asia to SoFlo
Even in your sleep
You’ll hear me sing and feel my flow

When LOVE happens...

*** this is something i made a couple of weeks ago while waiting for my boyfriend to wake up on the other side of the world. most of my schoolmates, started to ask me to write more of this kind of stuff. some even asked me to write letters so they can give it to their other half. :) guess my cheesiness is workin!

WHEN LOVE HAPPENS

When you love someone,
you’ll do anything to be with that person.
No matter how hard it is,
no matter how many sacrifices you have to make, you won’t care.
When you love someone,
you’ll do anything to see that person smile,
even if it means tears in your eyes,
even if it means him being in the arms of another.
Sacrifice.
When you love someone, distance is nothing but numbers.
Months away from each other, TRUST,
because there is no other.
When you love someone,
you support them with whatever passion they have.
You’re there holding their hand with each step they make.
Words of encouragement you know they need to take.
When you love someone,
you don’t give up on them.
With each fights and arguments, you stay.
Waiting for everything to calm and see yourselves back in each others arms.
When you love someone,
you don’t need any reasons.
Instead, patience and understanding is what you should have.
LISTEN.
When you love someone know that you’re opening a door to heartache
---but you still dive in because for you, it’s worth it.
When you love someone,
it’s not always laughter and smiles,
its not always rainbow and sunshines.
You have to be ready to climb a mountain,
swim the deepest ocean and survive the waves.
Learn to weather the storm and walk your way
---through heavy winds and all.
And even if it’s like that, you’re still standing,
heads up and smiling.
Because you love him and
you've shown the world that you’re not just in it for the ups
but most especially for the downs, too.
When you love someone,
you do your best to inspire them,
help them meet their fullest potential.
Even if that means you’re his second or even third option.
When you love someone, you see God.
Not because he is a God but
because you just want to be good in everything and
you see the world in a different way.
Because with him, you feel like you’re in higher place,
somewhere closer to the Man above.
Flying and jumping
through each and every cloud.
With him, you feel free, like everything is falling in its place.
Nothing can stop you.
You feel light, even if the world’s crashing
because you know, you have him.
When you love someone,
you can write stuff like this in just 2 minutes
because even if he’s far away and sleeping,
you feel him beside you,
whispering,
I LOVE YOU...

THE CREED OF BABIES WITH DOWN SYNDROME

*** last year, i attended a seminar about people with down syndrome. and they shared us this creed. everytime i read this, it makes me teary eyed and the fire in me to help these kids is getting bigger and stronger. i am a Special Education major. and hopefully, a year from now, i'll finish my degree so i can start helping not just kids with Down Syndrome but everyone who needs special care. few people acknowledge that they need help and our affection. most of the time they are ignored and laughed at. i hope even in my little ways of spreading the word like this, would help change people's negative treatment on them..

please read and know how they feel.


THE CREED OF BABIES WITH DOWN SYNDROME




My face may be different
But my feelings the same
I laugh and I cry
And I take pride in my gains
I was sent here among you
To teach you to love
As God in the heavens
Looks down from above
To him I’m no different
His love knows no bounds
It’s those here among you
In cities and towns
That judges me by standards
That man has imparted
But this family I’ve chosen
Will help me get started
For I’m one of the children
So special and few
That came here to learn
The same lessons as you
That love is acceptance
It must come from the heart
We all have the same purpose
Though not the same start
The Lord gave me life
To live and embrace
And I’ll do it as you do
But at my own pace...

what to expect...

i know.. it's almost been a month since i danced my thoughts here.. it's not that i stopped writing. actually, i've written some poems but posted it on my facebook acct. and i feel bad not posting it here. because this blog has been my supah buddy for 2 years now. and the fact that there's a bunch of things that's been happening in my life for the past months, i know should've shared it here. i don't really care if someone's following me (shoutout to my precious 5 followers! LOL!), or someone's really looking forward on reading my blog, or if people have me in their blog roll. all i know is that, i want to write and share what i feel and just let it all go. and hopefully one day, someone will be touched and learn from my story. even just one soul.

2 days from now, my family is coming here in Cebu. my brother's gonna have his church wedding so some of the relatives and childhood buddies are coming. im really excited! it's been a long time where me, my brother, sister and dad are together. if there's a gathering or some party, there's always one missing coz its either we're busy in school or work and can't go home. so yep! im pretty much excited!!! and im glad i don't have a class next week. i got a whole week to have that sister bonding thing i've always wanted to have with my Achie. and spoil my nephews to death!

it's going to be a really busy weeks ahead but i'm gonna make sure to update at least every other day. omg! im a major procrastinator so im really crossing my fingers on this one.

oh! and something big is coming up soon.... im not really sure what's it gonna be but its definitely bout one of my dreams becoming a reality! :)

praying...

I woke up from a nap this afternoon with a bad news. My sister called to tell me that the mother of a guy friend of mine in General Santos City was murdered. She said my friend found the body under the bed when he went home from his sister’s house to get a charger. That’s all I know.

I feel sad. And mad. M is one of the most amazing friends I had in GSC. He’s always there when you need him. he never leaves your side in case you’re in trouble. He would go out of his way just to make sure that you’re ok. He would stay out late with you to hear your rants. He would never fail to ask if you’re ok. M is funny and smart and you can always depend on him.

I met him through my brother-in-law’s nephew, T. when I was in GSC, I stayed at T’s house. and M was always there. he’s like the adopted son. And whenever T’s lil boy cousin visits from West Covina, he’s always there to help entertain the lil boy. And he ended up being the lil boy’s favorite friend.

I remember the times M frantically look for a way to help me whenever I have a problem. Even if he’s busy, he would always find a way. And when someone’s sad, you’ll be cheered up with his corny jokes and out-of-this-world punch lines. He’ll never stop till he sees you smile.

That’s M. and now that he’s suffering from the loss of his mother, I wish I’m in GSC right now, to at least offer my shoulder to lean on, listen to his pains, hold his hand and hope that by those small things it’ll help him ease the ache. Though I know that losing a mother is like the biggest blow anyone can ever have in one’s life, having a friend whom you know will be there when you feel like the world’s crashing is like a ray of sunshine. And since, I can’t be there I hope this blog will find it’s way to M and tell him that a lil ray of sunshine in Cebu City is praying for him and his mother’s soul.

tulong...

Its been a long time since I posted something here. A lot has happened and I wanna share everything. But right now all I know is that I AM IN LOVE. Yea, I’ve mentioned this before in my previous posts but this time, its different. I can totally see myself with him for the rest of my life. I found my soulmate! Im so blessed. Most people take a lifetime to meet theirs. And it took me only 20 years to do that plus 2 years to make him realize that I am the girl he is looking for. Haha!

im not good with words. I show it more through actions. I feel more comfortable with that but the first weeks that he was here we found ourselves constantly fighting. Him misinterpreting the things I do and say and me not really understanding him and being bitchy. Small things get bigger and we end up hurting each other with what we say. I don’t know what im talking about right now. Im just trying to say what I feel and think. 8 more days and he’s leaving for Florida. And I wouldn’t see him for 5 months. That’s the longest so far. and I pray that’ll be the longest ever. I can’t bear being away from him. this long distance relationship is hard but when you love the person, you’ll do whatever it takes.

I know myself though. I may appear strong but deep inside im breaking down. I’ll deny it as hard as I can but when Im alone with no one, anything would just enter my mind and I get really paranoid. That’s what im trying to avoid. He’s everything I want and need. And at this point in my life, I can’t afford to lose him. he saved me. every single day, he’s saving me.

5 months of being away from him. God help me! im far away from my family and closest friends, from the place I grew up. And its hard. But eversince my Mom passed away, he’s the only person I completely trust. I can tell him everything without him judging me. he loves the way I am even if I know it hurts him sometimes. He trusts me.

He’s just in Naga now. 90 min drive away from here, I think. He just left an hour ago but I miss him already. Im not ready for 20. and I don’t know who I can tell about this. I need my mom. I wish I remember what I did before. But all I can remember was how it sucked to go home and see the living room empty and quiet. How it was hard to go to bed without his hugs and kisses. How it was painful to see a couples being so happy. and how I missed the way he would hold my hand and laugh at my stupidity.. I wish I remember how.

watak na utak

My summer class just ended last week and the summer is going to end in a week. I don’t know how to spend it. Just one day of laying in bed and watching tv and reading a book is driving me insane! Im pretty sure most students would love that kind of day. Doing nothing day. Being lazy day. But I don’t. I just spent my day today like that. and my head started to hurt. Twice I’ve experienced almost blacking out. I don’t know why. I know im not hungry coz I already ate. Maybe it’s the heat but ive been drinking water every 15 minutes and was just in the apartment the whole day. Electric fan blowing infront of me. I don’t know…

Arthur is on his way back here in Cebu, too. Which means, no text messages until he arrives tomorrow morning. Over 24 hours of not hearing from him is taking all of my energy. Im happy though. Coz after 3 months of being away from each other, finally I can wrap my arms around him again. i can finally spend hours everyday with him again. it’s so amazing!

Im bored that’s all. I was thinking of writing sensible right now but this is all I can come up with. A lot has happened the past weeks. Especially in school. After years I’ve heard a teacher tell me again that I have what it takes to be a leader and would definitely recommend me to run for the COEDSO next year. I’ve seen myself make lesson plans as if im just eating. It’s so natural that sometimes I think Mama was in me, doing it. Pathetic as it may sound but that’s just how I feel. I’ve organized a lecture-seminar about music’s role in Special Education. I’ve finally got comfortable reporting infront of a class under Ma’am Pizarro’s eyes. I’m able to answer her questions confidently. Im able to come up with answers on the spot which doesn’t make sense but later makes sense after I explain it further. For the second time, in a debate, I was able to deliver well my stand and even got a pat on the back from Ma’am Pizarro. She’s a big deal you know. She’s one of the teachers in our school who holds master degrees in linguistics, English, philosophy and music, I think. Ok, I sound like a nerd again.

I guess im just really really excited to be with Arthur that my mind is all over the place again. I wasn’t the best girlfriend for him the past weeks and I just want to make it up to him. make his doubts disappear coz he’s got a lot of it lately. And it saddens me because I love him and im having a hard time making him feel that. distance sucks! And there’s nothing we can do but wait. I hope he won’t get impatient. Coz I really need him to be strong in this.

From school to Arthur and back to school then Arthur again. I just can’t think straight right now. This is who I am now. Out of control when he’s not around. im scared but I have him so It’s gonna be ok. I’ll see him very soon….

MY SUPERMOM!

"Mothers are super, (!) strong, and heroic. Their “profession” is the most important. Their bravery, inimitable. Their beauty, beyond compare."
--excerpt from Elisha's blog

I had a Supermom. But I lost her when I was 13. you might know that by now if you’ve been following my blahs for the past 2 years. SHIRLEY LORENZO MINANGA PASCO. My SUPERMOM!  she sleeps late at night just trying to finish her lesson plans and helping us her 3 kids with whatever we need in school. She sleeps late to make sure everything is clean after dinner. She wakes up the following day just to make breakfast and make sure our uniforms and stuff for school are ready. She wakes up early so she can bring me to school and still won’t be late in her school. She wakes up early to prepare my lunch for that day and make sure I have enough food to last me the whole day. She juggles work, home and still find time to serve other people and God. She’s active in church, and never fails to help other people whenever she could. She loves to cook and is always asked to cook sotanghon, beef steak, halang2x, afritada, lumpia shanghai, sweet & sour just to name a few and make atsara, kutsinta, and some other pinoy delicacies. She also tried to make gravy because I loved Jollibee’s gravy and made her own version of spam. Mama loves to sing and dance. she loves telling stories especially about her pupil’s crazy moments. Her laugh is so addictive! She laughs hard to the point where she gets teary eyed already and needs to go to the bathroom. She is very supportive. She supported me with my passion in dancing and swimming and whatever sport I want to try. She supported me with my love in writing and even pushed me to accept the invitation to be trained as a Math Olympiad representative of our school. She supported me with my love of collecting stickers and stationeries. She supported me with my love for music. She enrolled me to learn how to play ukulele and banduria but was too stupid and stopped. she would make and do anything I would request when im sick. She would tend my scraped knee and will sew tears of my clothes. She would always find a way even if she’s tired already. She would not let me wash and iron my own clothes. She would let me play outside with the other kids from the block even if it means im going back later that afternoon with a super soiled shirt, messy hair, bleeding knee or elbow, dirty fingernails, and full of sweat. She would let me hang out with friends whole day on a Saturday. She would let me invite friends over in the house even if it means 6 boys and 4 of us girls. That usually would feel like there are 20 kids in the house. she’s the all-time fave Mom not just of my friends but my siblings’ friends as well.



I miss her. half of me is sad that she’s not around anymore but the other half is really happy coz she’s in a better place now. I wish she had a great Mother’s Day up there. I’ll carry my home-made card when it’s my time to go. I know she’ll be there waiting for me.

I can’t end this post without mentioning some of the other Supermom’s I know..

1. Miriam Sarah Pasco – Ortuoste – my sister. She became my instant Mom when Mama passed away. We fight a lot! But just give us a couple of hours and it would be like nothing happened. Ate would do anything for me. she would always come to the rescue whenever someone would attack me. whenever she has something, she would share it to me. she is misunderstood by a lot of people and I wish they would really try to get to know her because she’s one hell of a woman! She’s been through a lot and would always say she’s tired and want to give up but she never does. She’s strong just like Mama. Even if she has 3 little boys now, she would still find time to spend time with me. Her tight hug last December I’ll never forget. I miss you Achie! Remember that I’ll always love you..

2. Myra Socorro Malcampo – my Dad’s youngest sister. Auntie Moe, is like my second Mom. I used to be scared to her because she always have this strong persona. But when I stayed in Bohol for almost 2 years, I got to know the other side of her. Auntie, is the sweetest! I can have any conversation with her. I never heard her say that I was wrong. she listens to me like im her own daughter. I wish I could visit her before regular classes’ starts.

3. Nimia Juanday – my Dad’s other sister. Auntie Nim is the savior of the family. Whenever we need help, she’s there. the few times I spent with her is one of the moments I really treasure. She’s a busy woman. She’s a nurse and travels a lot. So the opportunity I had with her last year when she visited Cebu for a seminar, is one that im glad I was able to have. I stayed with her in the hotel for 2 nights, ate a lot, shopped and had hours of conversation. Those conversations with her helped me be more confident and strong in facing whatever comes along my way.

4. Sandra Antonio – Arthur’s mom. Tita San is a blessing! I met her September last year but it was only this January where I was able to spend time with her. She reminds me a lot of Mama. They are so similar in a lot of ways. And I can’t thank God enough for making it that way. Sometimes it gives me goose bumps. It’s crazy! I miss her. I really do. God is just so amazing! Of all mother’s its Arthur’s.

5. Zenaida Labrador – mama’s older sister. I hardly see Nanay for she always travels outside the country. But whenever I do, it’s like im glued to her. I remember the time she visited Cotabato. She wanted me to sleep where she’s going to sleep. She wanted me to be just stay beside her. Whenever I need help, Nanay is there. She listens to my problems and helps me with it. I’m just blessed with the untiring support she gives me even if she’s thousands of miles away.

and since this is getting too long, here’s a SHOUTOUT TO …

Merly Magalona-Pasco, Lydel Grace Mangat, Cathy Pasco, Abby Estante-Pasco, Bj Farida Soyao, Angela Bea Malcampo, Gina Minanga, Keisha Minanga, Ading Minanga, Melissa Jade Pepino, Keithrine Rasalan, Phyllis Daswani, Gerry Soguilon, Ivy Ortuoste, Chery Pie Encarnacion, Jemima Langub-Maliwat, Nini Penas, Pia Penas, Thea Michelle Celeste, Yvette Dimao, Karla Magno, Mye Rivera, Josephine Largo, Pearl Garringues, Gege Gepte..

Special SHOUTOUT to my favorite writers..

Hope Edelman and Koren Zailckas! :)

and to all Mom's out there, HAPPY MOTHER's DAY!!!

I AM A PROUD "NANING"

In my almost 7 years in college, this summer is the only time I’ve ever been to the library every single day! This is the only time you would see my name scribbled on the library’s logbook. This is the only time I’ve borrowed books and actually read them and used them for my papers. This is the only time I’ve rushed to the library right after class just to make sure I get the best book first. This is the only time I really cared to use the APA format for my citation and references. This is the only time I’ve really scanned 1 bookshelf over and over again just to make sure I didn’t miss the book I needed.

And I actually love it! Nerd much? I don’t know. Maybe? And I don’t care. In school, people call it “being naning” or just “naning”. It’s actually, “naningkamot” which means, being determined. There’s really nothing wrong about it but in school, when you hear people saying or calling you that, you would also see them laughing or sneering at you. It’s positive to be that but peel of the outer layer and it’s negative. People just don’t want to admit it. But that’s exactly how it feels. Like you’re being ridiculed and like you’re stupid for being smart to ace every exam and get the approvals of the teachers.

Yes! I’ve been called “naning” a lot of times just because I passed my homework in time or for having 5 pages for my journal entry or for being ready for a presentation. I’ve been called “naning” just because I was early in school or because, I actually bought a book to help me with the course I’m taking. I hated it! I don’t want to be called a “naning” because I’m not. I skip class, I get low scores in quizzes, I pass some projects late, I’m sometimes late for 30mins in a 1-hour class, I don’t follow rules, I stay in the library to chat with my friends and even sleep! But people in school would still insist. They say I’m always on the go, like throw everything to me, I’ll do it. Give me anything and I’m still going to impress you with the result even if I don’t have 24hours to get ready.

And it’s just now that I realized that they’re right. No matter how I defy the teacher or how they teach the lesson or throw us hard projects and give us lil time to finish it, I’m still going to do it and just give my best shot. I am “naning”. A nerd. A dork. A geek without glasses and suspenders. I’m a “naning” and I’m helping change its image in school. I’m a “naning” in tank top, skinny jeans, gladiator sandals, a big sunglasses and a big bag. I’m a “naning” who brings Glamour magazine in school, lets her hair down, texts in the middle of the class, is on facebook everynight and tweets a lot.

So to all“nanings” out there, let’s show them what we got and let them realize that being “naning” is the new COOL!



in the middle during a SPEDers activity





quiz bee during COEDSO days with Jeph and Joy






cramming on a Math homework





my groups booth (focused on Hearing Impaired) during COEDSO days 2009. i was one of the coordinator :)

day gone bad

I called you to check how you’re doing and because im missing you. I don’t think that was a good idea. I tried cheering you up but I wasn’t successful. You were so quiet and I feel so bad for not knowing what to say, for not knowing how to comfort you. I just hope you were tired and sleepy and that you just need some rest. But what if that’s not the case?

The last minute of that phone call I started to get teary eyed. I whispered I love you and you did too and you said bye. Then the phone died… you told me you’re going to text when you’re back in Orlando. And that’s like 3 hours away. And Sam is still sleeping. I texted you but it’s been 30mins and I still haven’t gotten any reply. Why do I feel like you just left me?

I hate myself for being a worry wart. I hate myself for not being there with you. I hate myself for loving you like this. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for being such a cry baby. I hate myself for being so sensitive. I hate myself because I can’t do anything. I hate myself for still being in school. I hate myself for not having a job. I hate myself for not being able to go there. I hate myself for being selfish. I hate myself for loving you so much. I hate myself for being a brat. I hate myself for wanting you. I hate myself for needing you. I hate myself so much right now!

I wish im a better person. Someone you really deserve. But it’s so hard.. I don’t know what else to do. I hope you’re not getting tired of me. And I hope that me, loving you is enough.

he's with me

Was with the crazy bitch this afternoon. Deisa. Yea, she got that name when she started calling me the cheating whore. We’re not really that. it’s just something we call each other since Rachel appeared on One Tree Hill. Don’t blame the show though. It’s a long story.

Anyway, she kidnapped me here at the apartment just when I was feeling so good about cleaning the apartment and doing everyone’s laundry. But she was so insistent that I go to her place and be her photographer for the clothes she’s going to sell on-line. So being a good friend, I went with her.

I missed those days where we just take photos of each other out of boredom. I miss taking her pictures! She’s just so game and it’s fun when you are taking someone’s pictures who’s enjoying every moment of it. Even though im just taking pictures of the clothes she’s wearing (meaning, her face isn’t included) she still gamely poses for the cam. I ended modeling some of the clothes by the way since she insisted that the color of the dress looks better than me. and that all it did to her is make her skin look darker. (what’s wrong with being dark, anyway?)

After uploading the photos to her “shops” facebook account we started munching on our beef and mushroom pizza while sharing stories nonstop. she was sharing how her bf changed the way he treats her ever since she told him about what’s bothering her and she’s happy now. More happy! And I realized im so blessed because Arthur is just everything any girl would want and I have him. He’s mine. My girl friends have “problems” with how their bf’s show or NOT show their emotions. I don’t have that. he gives me that. they have a problem of how their bf’s give them time and how sometimes they feel unappreciated. Even if Arthur is in Florida and im here, time was never an issue to us. I mean, we always try to make each other feel that we’re just here, a text, a call or a buzz away. We always make a way that the other person will feel appreciated even with just simple things.

Arthur is not just a boyfriend to me. he is my bestfriend now, too. He is my mentor, my confidante, my cornerstone, my backbone. Everything! Every morning that I wake up, I couldn’t be any happier to know that ARTHUR ANTONIO is sharing his life with me.

Heaven's Grocery Store

*** this was made by someone on facebook. i forgot her name actually. sorry.


Heaven's Grocery Store

I was walking down life's highway a long time ago. 
One day I saw a sign that read "Heaven's Grocery Store". 
As I got a little closer, the door came open wide.
When I came to myself, I was standing just inside.
I saw a host of angels. They were standing everywhere. 
One handed me a basket and said, "My child, please shop with care".
Everything a Christian needed was in that Grocery Store.
All you couldn't carry, you could come back the next day for.
First, I got some PATIENCE; LOVE was in the very same row.
Further down was UNDERSTANDING, you needed it wherever you go.
I got a box or two of WISDOM, a bag or two of FAITH.
I just couldn't miss the HOLY SPIRIT, for He was all over the place!!
I stopped to get some STRENGTH and COURAGE to help me run this race.
By then my basket was getting full but...I remembered I needed some GRACE!
I didn't forget SALVATION, for SALVATION was free.
So I tried to get enough of that to save both you and me.
Then I started up to the counter to pay my grocery bill,
for I thought I had everything to do my Master's will.
As I wind up the aisle I saw PRAYER and I just had to put that in.
For I knew when I stepped outside, I would run right into sin.
PEACE and JOY were plentiful; they were on the last shelf.
SONGS and PRAISES were hanging near, so I just helped myself.
Then I said to the angel, "How much do I owe?"
He just smiled and said, "Just take them everywhere you go."
Again I smiled at him and said, "How much do I owe?"
He smiled again and said......
"My child, JESUS PAID YOUR BILL A LONG TIME AGO!"

some wave

*** made this a couple of days ago. i forgot to post it.

You know how you try to tell everything to someone but ended up not telling a thing? im back to being my complicated self again. and this time, im making that one person I love so much, sad with the way I am. This is me and I hope he won’t get tired of dealing with this version of myself because from what I know, she appears from time to time. She drove away some of the people I cared so much. And this is scary. I just want him to stay but I feel like he’s getting tired. Im trying to be the person he deserves and I know I still have a long way to go. Im still learning and im trying to do it fast.

I’ve been trying to fake it because im too stubborn and weak. Acknowledging the fact that im missing him sooo much makes me crazy! Im tired of crying and everytime I think about him, I ended up crying myself to sleep. Im going to see him soon. Its just that there are times when you just want to curl in bed and get a hug, when you turn around, he’s not there. Times when a lot of people are smiling at you and his smile is all you want to see but is nowhere to be found. Times when you’re scared and you reach out but his hands are not there, you look behind and he’s too far to catch you. Im being stubborn because I don’t want to breakdown. Im avoiding it because I don’t think he’ll even be here the next day and what’s gonna happen of me? Im just trying to save myself.

We’re worried at the same things. its crazy! We’re crazy! This is crazy! I know this is just one of the waves. It’ll calm soon. I can swim it and for sure in time im back in the shore

Tomorrow’s another day.. with him. And im blessed like that.

slaying his demons

for you to understand this post, you might want to check Antino's blog first.

I'm angry, at myself for wanting to see her so badly. ---it’s just normal, right? We miss each other so much.. it’s been over a month since we last saw each other and it’s really hard

I'm angry that seeing her costs money. ---im sorry. If only I can do something. But as long as im still in school, there’s really nothing I can do but to wait for you to come here. And im so thankful for the effort you’re putting.

I'm angry at myself for not landing any gigs. ---you’ll get one soon. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re too focused on not landing any gigs that it’s really happening.

I'm angry at myself for not selling any poetry books. ---you sold 3 last night. That’s better than nothing

I'm angry at myself for not having a real job. ---love whatever you have right now. There are people who don’t even have an income (Hi to ME!) There’s no such thing as real job. Just because you’re not working in a company and sitting in an office or working from 9-5 means you don’t have a real job.

I'm angry at myself for not knowing how to play the guitar or sing. ---let’s be angry together coz I don’t know how to play the guitar, too. I can sing for you though. And just because you can’t do those things, doesn’t make you less of a person.

I'm angry at myself for not being able to make peace with the fact that she has crushes on every guy who picks up a guitar and sings. ---so NOT TRUE! Maybe I like them because of their music, because of their songs and not them. it just looks like I like every one of them because music is part of me. It’s in my blood.

I'm angry that I'm not one of those guys. ---be happy about it! Why? Coz if you’re one of them then you’re just ONE OF THEM. I LOVE YOU now. For who you are. And im glad you are not one of them. you’re a stand out! And im glad I have you.

I'm angry at her guy friends for being so boyfriend-close to her. ---I love you! And im sorry. You already know why im close to them. but im not like that to all of them. and why do you think im so good with you now? It’s because they thought me how to be a guy..

I'm angry at her body for looking so damn hot. ---really? Im hot? Thank you! Oh, haha! Im hot because you love me. im hot because I love you. Im hot because I have you. You really don’t have a choice. =P

I'm angry at the way I went out to the Arts Festival to sell 15 books, but only sold three. ---be thankful! 3 people are now reading your books. And they could be sharing it with other people now. Hang in there.

Why can't I just be happy that she got to go out and have fun? ¬---coz you’re being a worrywart like me! Me trying to have fun is really no fun when you’re not here. Swear! It’s really different. Why do you think I went home early? It’s because I’d rather spend the night alone here in the apartment talking to you than be surrounded by a bunch of people I hardly know.

I'm angry that a handsome guy with a good guitar hand and a soothing voice made her happy. ---as if a pretty girl with a good piano fingers and a heavenly voice don’t make you happy… oh and girls with good guitar hands, too? (shout out to Alicia Keys, Zee Avi, Yuna, Ingrid Michaelson, Esperanza Spalding…. ) and they could make me happy but they’re nothing compared to how you make me happy.

I'm angry at Myspace for harboring so many attractive male musicians. ---trust me, there’s not much of them. and most of them are just being extra friendly coz they’re trying to sell their music.

I'm angry at how she talks to all of them. ---I don’t talk to all of them! ack! I hardly even go on-line on myspace anymore. And if I talk to them, it’s because of their song. Not because I want to be boyfriend-close to them.

I'm angry at how they make her feel. ---their music. Not them. part of the reason why im still here, being strong about us is because of their music.

I'm angry at how I can't stop them from sweeping her off her feet because I don't even have a guitar, or a voice, to defend myself with. ---there’s nothing to stop because they’re not sweeping me off my feet! I already have you! You don’t need a guitar or a voice to defend yourself, because im yours already and no one can take me away from you.

I'm angry at how I want to compete with them with my cards and my pen. ---even without competing, you’ve already WON!

I'm angry that I chose those art forms- she figures out my tricks, and my words give her nosebleeds. ---im glad you chose those art forms. Why do you think I figured out some of your tricks? Because im too obsessed with you that I want to learn and understand what you are doing. You made nosebleeds FUN! Seriously. I love listening to you. I love hearing you talk and im sorry if sometimes it appears like you’re talking to yourself. It’s just that it makes me happy hearing you that sometimes I get lost in that world.

I'm angry at how that's not her thing. ---not my thing? Think again. If it’s not my thing then I wouldn’t be this supportive to your craft. And I’ll be already gone. Remember how windy I am? LOOK! Im still here with you. 

I'm angry at how I am. ---but I LOVE YOU! And will love you no matter what stupid state you are in.


8888 Arthur. We’re learning a lot from each other and I know it’s hard learning it from halfway around the world. Nobody said it’s going to be easy. But this is temporary. Everything that is happening is teaching us how to be a better person for each other. Remember what Mark said about not having to worry coz there’s really nothing to worry about?  distance is our only enemy and where about to conquer it. Im about to start another semester and im almost at the finish line. Smile! We’re getting there. I love you, Arthur Antonio! …always and forever

NOTE TO SELF

You should love the person who’s been with you through the most trying times… who lied just to make you feel better.. Who never stopped believing in your weird complicated excuses.. Who face the consequences of your wrong doings.. Who encourages you to stand after every downfall.. Who manage to be the strongest even in your weakest moment..

Love this person for this is all you got in your darkest hours.

Want to know who?

Face the mirror, that person deserves your LOVE, too!

If, When

If someone tries to pull you down ---smile
If someone spreads rumors about you ---smile
If someone talks behind your back ---smile
If someone degrades you ---smile
If someone lies to you ---smile
If someone misunderstands your actions ---smile
If someone won’t listen to you ---smile
If someone won’t let you defend yourself ---smile
If someone starts to be mean at you---keep on smiling
… Eventually they’ll get tired and by that time, start laughing!

When someone screams at you ---talk softly
When someone gets mad at you ---say sorry
When someone blames you for something you didn’t do ---brush it off
When someone hates you ---love them
When someone curses you ---forgive them
When someone doubts you ---have faith in them
When someone destroys you ---build them up
When someone makes you cry ---make them smile
Life is life. Know that nothing good will ever comes out if you try to get even.
Stay nice and let their souls die.

RESPECT! --> look for its meaning

Early this morning I had a fight with the tenants of door 2. it’s freakin 5am and they’ve been shouting and talking loud that it’s impossible for you to get a 30 minutes of straight sleep. So with all my might, I slammed their screen door and fired away a sermon at them. They said sorry, well some of them. But after each sentence they would talk back like I don’t hear them. I was so mad my heart was pounding so hard and I was already trembling. I’ve never been that mad for a long time. I later cried in my room because I hated the feeling. I hate fights. I hate screaming and confrontations. I hate having enemies. But they are being too much already. They are college students who act like toddlers. Actually, toddlers are better because they get scared. But they just brushed me off like dust. Not a big deal. I don’t know if they’ve understood what I said or they just chose to ignore everything. All I know is that they don’t know what the word RESPECT means.

Just this afternoon I had a talk with the right hands of the owner of the apartment and one of the tenants of the other door. And I found out that the father of the girl who kept on answering back is a principal and her Mom is in the US. Her parents are separated. And someone commented that that explains why she is like that. I disagree. My parents are separated and I’m definitely not like her. I know when to tone down my voice and I know when the proper time to make some noise is. Not when the rest of the people are trying to get some sleep. Not in the middle of the night and definitely NOT 5 in the morning.

I feel bad for her and her parents. And everyone else that was there this morning. They all looked stupid and uneducated. I am so glad that even if I’m stubborn, I still know what respect is. I still know how to give respect. I’m glad that even if my parents are separated, I still grew up ok. I’m not saying that I’m, perfect because I’m far from being perfect. All I’m trying to say is being good is up to you. It’s a choice. Be sensitive. If you want people to respect you, learn to give respect too.

13th grandchild's backbone

it's Papa's birthday today and its been years since i last spent it with him back home. this is the time where i really want to be there with him. i know he doesn't want to celebrate because he just lost his brother last month and he is still grieving. but i just want to be there for him. if not celebrate, then grieve with him. i miss him. i was home last christmas vacation and i felt like he needs me more there. and i feel bad because im still in school. if i was able to graduate sooner then maybe i could spend more time with him now. he tells my Ate that he still can't believe that Uncle Del is gone. he keeps on askin why Uncle and not him. he's the older brother and he's more sick. i know he's just having a hard time accepting it. i feel sad that he is sad. i feel even more sad because no matter how i cheer him up and tell him about positive things, it seems like he's ignoring it. i wish i could hug Papa now and hold his hands and tell him that everything's ok. that Uncle is in a better place and he's happy and he won't like it if we're sad down here. but i also know that there are no words that can make him feel better. but i know that a hug would help. and im not there to give him that. and it really sucks!

i hope and pray that he'll still have a nice birthday with Ate Neng, Ate, Papsh and the kids and the rest of the family. i hope and pray that he'll be ok soon.

Pa, i love you! you might think that im still mad and still blaming you for what happened to our family but i honestly have forgiven you a long time ago. you gave me strength. you taught me to fight. you taught me to stand up for what i believe in. you gave me hope. you taught me to have faith. you taught me LIFE. im sorry for not being the daughter you expected me to be. i know im stubborn and unpredictable most of the times and im sorry but that's because im on my way on making you proud. i just took a different route. i can't wait! im so excited to see you smile and really happy! im almost there.


Happy Birthday Pa! im thankful and happy that God gave me another day knowing that you're still here with me.




i miss you....

small, simple things

i went to Redemptorist Church this afternoon. my first wednesday mass there where Arthur isn't with me. feels different but i was happy. little boy infront of me kept just won't stop staring. smiled at him a lot and tried making faces but he never smiled. if arthur was there, he would find it funny, i think. an old man was sitted on my left side and a pretty lady on my right. idk why im telling you this.

i love what the priest asked during the mass... "what can you do to make the world more positive?"

- i know a smile can make someone's day brighter
- i know saying thank you or good day can make someone feel he or she is appreciated
- i know by saying sorry both parties would feel lighter and forgiving
- i know by loving someone, you're helping him/her be a better person
- i know that by doing small simple things to random people, can make the world a better place
- and i believe that these random people would do the same thing to other people because they feel good and positive and happy!

paying it forward.

if someone did something bad to you, do something good to that person in return. its hard but later on, you'll feel better. i mean, try doing something bad to that person and what do you get from it? nothing really. you'll just be a person full of hatred, someone who carries a heavy luggage and people will just hate on you.

you don't have to be saint. as i've mentioned earlier, SMALL SIMPLE THINGS.

- open the door for someone
- offer the babysit your younger sibling
- make a coffee for your parents
- clean your room
- help someone who's having a hard time carrying his or her stuff
- offer to tutor someone who's having a hard time in school
- feed a homeless person
- donate stuff you don't use anymore
- volunteer
- ( you fill in )

what are you doing still reading my post? GO AND DO SOMETHING NICE! lets all be happy making other people happy! ;)

my PEOPLE OF THE YEAR 2009

this post is way overdue. i should've posted this like a month ago but i wasn't able to go online as much. anyway, this idea of posting my top 10 people of the year came from bianca gonzales. this is the 2nd time im going to do this and i decided to do it every year. it's a nice way of looking back and give appreciation to the people who've been really great and who have inspired me through my journey in 2009.

1. Ms. Norieter Ong - my SPED major teacher
twas last semester that i took up my very first major subject in SPED and im really thankful that i got into ma'am ong's class. she's everything that i want for a teacher. she may not be an education graduate but she has the heart and determination of a teacher. she has inspired me to do good in class and to always give my best shot in everything. i wish i can be like her when i start teaching.

2. john peter west - my ultimate fave male artist
i can't really remember who added who. all i can remember is that i got to know him on myspace. i listen to his songs whenever im online and i never get tired of it. the simplicity of his lyrics and melody is so catching. his voice makes you calm and happy and bouncy. its not just about talent with him. coz he also got the heart. he's really nice and friendly. i only know a few underground/independent artists who talk to other people and he's one of them. most would just message you to listen to their music and that’s it. i think one of the ultimate moments that made my year was during my birthday when I tweeted about wanting to have his album for my birthday and a couple of days later, i received an email containing his Summer album. how many artist do that? just John (oh, Stephen Vanderpool, too and the band BLVD). anyway, whenever im feeling down, i just listen to his music, and im all ok.

3. ana jean ebarsabal - my young older sister
i call her ana banana. i don't really know why. she's like my younger sister. we love doing a lot of things together. especially buying stuff and EATING! yep! she eats a lot too! she's always game for almost everything especially when its about buying clothes. she listens and you'll always see her by your side whenever you're down.

4. sharmaine diaz - the smallest in our group
she is just freakin nice i wanna shake her up and see her be mean! really! the time we started hanging out, i can't remember a single moment that she acted mean to me or did something bad. she's fun and always tries to be positive. that's what i love most about her. being positive. she's giggly so just imagine if we're together--> you'll hear nonstop giggles! She’s also very supportive to whatever I want to do. She may not know it, but I feel a sad whenever she’s not around.

5. lovely povadora - the laughing machine
i swear there's never a dull moment with this girl. even if she's tired, there's still a laughtrip moment with her. Her stupidity and clumsiness is always present. And that makes everyone in the group die with laughter. She’s also very sweet and nice. whenever you need help, she's there. whenever you feel like ranting, she'll willingly listen and is always ready to give you a "cheer me up" routine. she just takes your stress away.

*** i don't think i'll survive my first semesters in the COED if it weren't for Ana, Sharmaine and Lovely

6. mary louise alegria - my co in everything
chiclois! through eating and cooking, through blogging and tweeting, through music and movies, through clothes and whatever--> we're all in it together! ate lois reminds me of my ate. i can tell her everything, anytime without her judging me. i love how she gives me advice and how she would comfort me when im down and how she would laugh at my stupidity and end up doing something stupid, too. LOL

7. Ali Rafsanjani pikit – the silent noise-maker
we've known each other since elementary. we were schoolmates in high school but never really hanged-out. there are moments that we'd do things together, like dancing in school programs. i've always thought that he's quiet and picky with friends. but when we graduated from high school, idk what happened, we just kinda started talking. add up the fact that we both excel in school before but still doesn't have a college diploma until now (we're workin on it) so there’s always something that links us together. the past year, i've grown closer to him. we started hanging out and having fun. he listens to my rants, i listen to his heartaches. i love every chill time with Ali coz i can see myself in him. i just never thought we'd be this close. Too bad he’s leaving for Manila next month. Im really going to miss him!

8. Florante Pasco, Jr. – my strength
after 2 years, i was able to spend Christmas with him again back home. a month long vacation is just what i got when im almost about to give up from missing my family so much. papa never fails to boost up my confidence and challenge me to be my better self. papa's not perfect but he is one of the main reason why i am a fighter. i owe him that. he taught me to fight and to stand up even if my knees are wobbly, even if my heart is broken into pieces, even if my mind is tired. and up until now, even if he's getting weaker, he is still always there for me.

9. Shirley Pasco – my everything
even if she's on the other side already, she's still with me. i see her in my dreams, i see her through other people, i hear her in music, i can taste her cooking through my own experiments and kuya's on-the-spot cooking skills. i miss her so much that it always makes me cry. but i know someday, we'll be together again. laughing, eating, singing and dancing. i know she's just around, watching over me. walking with me and laughs with me whenever i do something really stupid and gives me an applause after for charming my way out of it. mama is my angel, my lucky charm, my protection. she is my refuge, my cornerstone. she is my life.

10. Arthur Antonio – my forever
it took him 2 years to notice me. i mean, really talk to me. i've always liked him eversince the night i saw him in his tita's class. but we were miles apart. he's in florida, im here in the philippines. so thinking of being his girlfriend never really occurred to me plus the fact that there's a bunch of pretty girls back in his hometown. but i guess God has his plans. We had a bunch of God jokes and I think it’s what brought us together and last September was the start of our 8888. Everything has been so cool and great since then. The first time I saw him again after 2 years, i was freakin nervous but i love how he was able to eliminate that just by spitting words, holding my hand and doing magic. This guy changed me in a lot of ways. Ways i never knew i could be. he made me do things i never knew i could. he made me accomplish things i never knew i could achieve. He gave me confidence. he made me love life even more! he is helping me be the best version of myself. i could go on and on about how great he is and how he rescued me from evil stuff but im gonna do that on a different post. he's already pretty famous here in my blog since I’ve been talking about him a lot.

*** Squeep, I know you’re reading this. THANK YOU for coming into my life. I don’t care if you were 2 years late. I have u now… 8888! ;)

*** SHOUTOUT TO: Ruel Dimatatac, Glady Rose Torrefranca, Robert Karash, Yvette Yzon, Sandie Garland, Stephen Vanderpool and Travis Isbell --> i just feel like giving you a shoutout! haha!

to you who's reading this, try to look back to your 2009 and remember the moments you had with the people that has helped you through your journey. and after that, try giving them a call or better yet, see them and say thank you and give them a hug without explaining why. You’ll be surprised on how much happiness it'll bring to them.

i may be 1 month late but whatever! Have a great year ahead! Spread the love and enjoy life!