10th year

as December 2 approached, 10 years ago, I received a phone call from my moms co-teacher telling me that they rushed my mom in the hospital & is in coma. BLANK.

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Now as I look back to that night, I can’t imagine how my 13 year old self was able to handle it without breaking down or going hysterical. i had a plan. It was to call my mom’s bestfriends (Tita Jez and Tita Angel) –but none of them can be reached. So I called my brother who is not answering his phone so I called my Aunt where my brother lives. I was able to talk to Kuya and he told me to call Papa. I did but not after telling my cousin, Bj (I informed her coz I was about to greet her a happy birthday and I know she’s up coz it was Ramadhan that time). When I was able to call Papa, I know I was crying when I told him but i know I can be understood. He told me to pack and first thing in the morning he’s going to pick me up and we’ll go to davao (that was where mama was when she had her heart attack). We did the next day with my mom’s 2 siblings and we also dropped by in Kabacan to get Ate, which has no idea what just happened.

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I want to talk to my 13 year old self and ask her what was I thinking. why didn’t I cried? Thinking about that night and the following night and that afternoon my Mom died, it seemed like I didn’t lost her. I know I was sad and devastated but I was like ok. My life after that, how I was in school or with my friends, was pretty normal. Idk. All I know is that I didn’t sulk or got mad on God. Or go suicidal and blaming other people.

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I guess the effect on me was different. I was ok in high school. Yes, there’s the constant clash between me and my sister and the i-hate-you moments with my Dad but everything was ok. Or I thought it was. Everything spiraled when I entered college. Every decisions and actions I made, it’s either wrong or ok but brings disappointment to my family. I hated myself but with each step I take, I was dragged back. It was hell but I don’t regret it. It was hard but it shaped me the person I am today. Im not the best but I am proud to be this strong and willing to still live life. There’s a bunch of people my age and older than me who are just helpless. They can’t even freakin do a simple household chore or whine over small things. They can’t take a simple blow, they just break down and have a hard time getting up. Whatever. All I know is that, God takes away things in your life, or someone very important but he doesn’t leave you with nothing.

FAST FORWARD------
I miss my mom soooo much! Everyday, I think about her and every night I try to control my dreams just so I can see her there. that’s my only way of somewhat being physically with her. and just this afternoon, she was there. She asked me to follow her on the beach and I did with my younger cousin, Bea. What I saw was paradise! Clear, blue water… coconut trees, white sand, really nice people.. but she was on the other resort so she told us to go back and enter the next resort. On the way there, I was still amazed on what I saw. Colorful structures, statue of angels that are swaying (statues swaying—can you believe it?), fountains and rides for kids… it was super pretty and I said to myself, I wanted to stay there. but we got lost and we can’t find the entrance and the next thing I know, im back on the couch sleeping. I stood up and turned on the lights but it wouldn’t turn on. This time, I was half dreaming. I know because I can hear my neighbors’ voice outside telling her helper to close the gate, and I can hear the rain and I feel my pillow. But I don’t want to move, I want to go back to my Mom and her paradise. But everything was dark and I was trying to get some light. I was in the middle of wanting to be with her and just being to see the things around me. Light won and I was sad for a second but I realized Mama’s happy and I should be too. She was smiling in my dream. And that paradise I saw, I think it was her telling me that she’s in a very happy place and that she’s waiting there for me. (ok, now im crying…) ..i should be happy. And I should stay strong because the darkness I saw, I believe are the things I still need to go through. But there was light after so I know I’ll be ok. Just like what she used to tell me when she was alive, “be strong and NEVER QUIT. Have faith and as much as possible, always see the positive side of things” …

I can still go on and on but this is getting long. And I can’t see much coz of my tears. I’m not really sad. I just wished I had longer years to spend with her but I know she’s just around, watching over me. That even if she’s not physically here, somehow, I feel that im still spending my life with her.

*** I miss you, Ma! I know I have made a lot of mistakes but I also know that if you were here, you’ll stay by my side and ask me what’s wrong and would listen and never tell me wrong. I know you’ll work with me and help me. I know you’ll guide me but will never impose on me. Thank you! How I still get up after each fall, how I still smile after each blow, how I forgive even if it hurts, how I love even if there’s no reason left anymore, how I stay positive even if almost everything around me is below zero, how I fight & speak up to be heard even if I know some people will get hurt ---I owe it to you. I am strong because of you. I am strong because you believed in me and you never failed to encourage me with whatever I want to do even if I change my mind the way I change my clothes. You never left me. you’re just here, I know that. And because of that, I’m still fighting. I’ll make you more proud so soon, Mama. I promise you that. and the snow? I’ll get there, we’ll get there… I LOVE YOU and I’ll see you when it’s my time to go. Please be in the front line?