get well soon my baby brother...

my sisters eldest son, Nichollo got sick earlier this week. he kept on complaining how his head aches and how hot he feels. i think a day after that they had him admitted to a hospital. I was thinking that it was just another fever. Yco (that's what we call him) has asthma and everytime he's not feeling well, my sister rushes him to the hospital. But the next day i found out that he got Dengue. yep, the killer fever. it his second time and im really scared. from what we know, he got it when he enrolled to his new school. coz that same day, they had their "brigada eskwela" where they clean the whole school so that students won't have to clean when school starts next week. Yco didn't clean but he was there for a couple of hours waiting for the enrolment to start. And i can remember him bugging my sister about wanting to pee. i was on the phone with her that time and i told her to just look for a secluded place where he can pee coz all bathrooms are still closed for some stupid reasons. and the teachers just doesn't seem to mind.

anyway, Yco is 8 years old. and he's very playful and smart. he loves computer games and reading books. i can still remember how he would read the almanac on the phone for me. how he would sing a song from Secondhand Serenade and read the ingredients of French Toast. he would tell me how his younger brother, Dylan would just hit him with no reason and how he wants to transfer here in Cebu with me and my brother so that Dylan can't punch him anymore.

I babysat him when he was 3 years old. my sister was pregnant at that time and her condition was not good so Yco stayed with me and my Dad. he's very hard headed just like me so we always clash. he won't listen to me and do things his way. he would always cry coz most of the time i just ignore him. and then he falls asleep, tired from all his tantrums. Yco is like my younger brother. i love to bring him everywhere i go. buy my dads medicine, or buy food, go to church, visit my moms grave.. we would play outside with the other kids whenever it rains. i was already in college but i would do that coz it just not makes me happy but i can see how Yco loves playing under the rain with me.



he spent xmas and new year with us here in Cebu the other year. it was FUN! he's cool wherever we would go. he won't demand going to the arcade. he enjoys just walking around the mall as long as he has something to eat. our bonding moments would always be at the different coffee shops. funny! lil kid hanging out at coffee shops. he adores looking around and observing foreigners and listening to conversations of the old ones. he would always order strawberry smoothie or sometihng chocolate. In bohol, where we spent our new year, he talks alot about the sea. Yco isn't hard to please. He loves to explore and talk about a lot of stuff. sometimes you would think that he's not thinking coz he's so quiet but when he opens his month, you'd be surprised coz u won't think that its an 8 year old who's talking.

anyway, he's still at the hospital at this moment. and just this morning they had his chest Xrayed to check if there's water in his lungs (some side effect). my brother already cried to me earlier this morning. my sister did, too but she remained strong. and when i talked to my dad the other night, he cried too. He spends a lot of time with Yco and they share a room together so its just hard for my dad to see his grandson laying at a hospital bed. its hard for me coz i can't do anything. i was able to talk to Yco on the phone the other night and his voice is just weak and i wanna cry but i can't. i just told him that we're waiting for him here in Cebu and that i love him!



my brother tried to talk to him this morning but Yco doesn't want to. My sister told us that Yco would eat which is a good thing but kept on saying that he's tired already. that breaks my heart. i can't imagine an 8 year old boy who is so playful and bubbly to say such thing. But i know he's strong and the doctors are taking care of him. My sister is strong and i know she would do anything to cheer up Yco. Im far from home and there's nothing much i can do but pray and talk to my family more often.

School starts this monday and he would be on 2nd grade. he loves to learn and playing with other kids. though he seems shy whenever he perfoms, i could say from the pictures that he enjoys it.

so, to you who's reading this, please help us pray for Yishak Nichollo's fast recovery. we would really appreciate it. thank you and god bless to all of us.

on turning 22

i've always been excited about my birthday coming up. but this year, im not. it's not that im not grateful for the another year given to me. it's just that, i feel like there's a lot of things i still haven't done and im running out of time. i know this is my fault because of the wrong decisions and wrong roads i took. i've always thought that by 20 years old, im done with school and by the age of 22, i have a job im happy about at the same time im back in school to earn another degree.

if u ask me what happened, i would say i don't know. but that was before. i always say i don't know because i want to find something else or someone to blame on. but then, i realized, im the only person to blame.

if you've been following my blog for the past year then you would think that im so pathetic and immature and stupid. i wouldn't blame u because that's exactly what im thinking right now. how could i allow myself to be like this? there was a lot of instances that i could have done the right thing. but, i didn't. i was so busy having fun and too scared to say no. i believe in seizing the moment but i've been seizing it for the wrong reasons. now im paying for it.

im turning 22 on june 10. 22 and still stuck in school. and probably be still in school for the next 3 years. that's not how i imagined it. 3 years is short u would say. but living with your married brother who seems to always find ways to remind u of what you've done, 3 years could mean 30 years. dragging. its like a movie on rewind except that it doesn't play back the good things you've done. a broken record.

right now, im thinking of ways to earn money. as much as possible something i don't want my brother to know about. but hell, im blogging about it. whatever! he doesn't read my blog anyway. and if by any chance, u know him. do me a favor. forget to mention this to him. PLEASE! there's just a lot of reasons why i don't want him to know. i've done this before and it was ok to him at first but later on, he asked my what do i need money for? it sounds stupid for me because, we're not rich. and im trying to help out. at least i won't ask for allowance anymore coz i was earning at least 2 thousand a week. but for him, it's just another reason for me to go out and hang-out with my friends.

whatever!

... what do i want for my birthday? there's a lot of things i want. i love dresses and bags! i love love eating out! i would love to have a new phone... but, i would sell all my bags and give my fave clothes to anyone, not eat but bread for a week or two and not have a phone even for a year in exchange of a plane ticket to cotabato city to see my family and spend even just a day or two with them. i haven't seen them for almost 2 years and it wrecks my heart. it's hard to describe how much i long for them every single day. they're all i got. and it feels like im losing them.


with my sister and his eldest son, Yco and my Dad.taken a few years ago. if im not mistaken 'twas the month i left for Cebu.

Keep Speculating ...

Adam Lambert on his sexuality ...

“It’s a really, really cool thing,” the American Idol runner-up says, “to be able to show people that you can be yourself, and you should be proud of yourself, and you should own who you are and what you’re about, and never make apologies for it.”

So to those who speculate about his sexuality, he has a message. “Calm down,” he says, and “keep speculating.”

** THIS ARTICLE IS FROM RICKEY.ORG
-------

anyway, im a big Adam Lambert fan since day 1. i don't care if he's gay or not. doesn't change the fact that he is absoBLOODYlutely AMAZING!!!

on BESTIE KEN

... this isn't the bestfriend ken i mentioned on my previous post. this is the OTHER bestfriend ken i have from california. yep! i got 2 bestGUYfriends who are both KENs... :)

... anyway, i just miss them both. especially BestieKen (california). i haven't talked to him for the longest time and i don't really know what's up with him these days. at least bhes kong myLabs (gensan) is easy to reach. i could just text him whenever i want but with bestieKen, its different. its too expensive to text him and we can't seem to get ol at the same time. freakin time zone! busy schedules. before, we would talk for hours! we wouldn't mind what time is it. we would talk about everything! or i would just listen to him sing or whatever. i miss those days. i miss talkin to him bout love! haha! we're both hopeless romantics...

...well, im sure ur reading this. u always read my post everytime i tell u that i have a new one for u. :P

BESTIE!!! u know i miss u! don't know what else to say... i JUST TOTALLY REALLY DO MISS U!!! uhmmm.. sorry for stealin ur pic. haha!



I LOVE U TO BITS!!! talk to u soon.. i hope. but really... i do need to talk to u ASAP! ;)

delayed posts...

*** ok. 3 different posts. VERY LATE POSTS. i know. i actually kinda forgot about this. i was just looking for something and this is what i found! i think i wrote this a couple of weeks ago. except for the american idol part which i wrote just last week. whatever.

toodles! ;)
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ok. i can't really count how many times i've typed and deleted the lines i've wrote for the past 30 minutes. i don't know. i just can't seem to gather my thoughts. to think there's a lot of things i wanna share and talk about. *SIGH*

randomness alert!

im taking up summer classes which im totally enjoying! i guess the dork in me hasn't faded yet. im getting good feedbacks from my teachers which surprises me because im just being me. its when i don't exert much effort that finally, the teachers and the people around me started to notice my "determination". i didn't know there's such thing as that. but whatever!

it's been 7 months now that i've totally closed my doors to any guys. 7 mos since i've done social suicide. 7 mos of trying to prove myself and fighting the urge to rebel. 7 mos of silence from most of the people i've hanged-out with for the past 2 years. mos of hiding and trying to put a mask that im this and that. you can call me a fake, but i call it being my other self. there's a couple of different sides of me that i myself can't seem to keep up.

im done with the pain. im done with tears. im done with heartaches.

everything that happens really has a reason. EVERYTHING.

im not gonna say that im happy with the things that has happened in my life the past years. but im feeling truly blessed that im strong enough to face everything thrown my way. i feel lucky that im starting to see and understand things in every positive side. 21 years of existence and it took me a long time and a bunch of bickering with everyone whose been trying to help me, to shake and wake myself up from the nightmare i've created. i always claim that im mature and that i know what im doing. but im acting more childish in every possible way. im so stubborn that i ended up not only hurting myself but my family, too.

i think what im trying to say is that i've changed. im a completely different person from who i was last year. well, ok. not completely. but a big part of me is just gone. erased. deleted.


---------------------------------------------------


i've been planning to delete my friendster account for like a month now but i just can't seem to bring myself to. idk. but im thinking, i have myspace and facebook plus a blogspot acct and im getting tired of friendster already. oh and im on twitter now too. all because of the american idols. lol! pathetic if u might think but on twitter, everything is much easier!

anyway, i so promise that by june, its buhbye friendster! ok, not entirely. coz well im still gonna maintain my exclusive friendster acct. yep! exclusive coz im not gonna accept friend requests from people i don't really know. and its gonna be on private view. if ur reading this and we're connected on friendster, and we don't really know each other, well, here are my links if u still want to know what im up to.

myspace
twitter
facebook

so there. i sound like a total freak but whatever.
------------------------------


kris allen and adam lambert

i was right with my top 5 but then matt giraud got booted out early. my top 3 was right and so as my top 2!

adam has been my fave eversince i saw him auditioned. he has the pipes! and i've seen his performances on youtube, too. FIYERO on WICKED. love it! in every performance, breathtaking is an understatement. there's just no word on how to describe him. he's helluvaMazing!!! he's my american idol!

BUT!

here comes the dark horse, kris allen. i just noticed him during hollywood week. if im not mistaken, he's in the group with asia and matt giraud. anyway, he has this john mayer/jason mraz with-his-own-twist in every performance. it also helps that he has this really cute boyish charm which attracts millions of girls! count me in. haha!

right now, im so excited to watch the finale... the twitterIDOL-bunch are just so crazy! Anoop, Matt, Alexis, Danny, Scott and even those from top 36 like felicia, jackie, ricky, and casey won't stop talking about the rehearsals... arrghhh!!! its gonna be aired a lil late here in the philippines but the part 2 would be broadcasted LIVE! good thing i don't have exams on thursday.. :)

don't really care who wins. i think they both deserve it. but still adam is my fave! ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

to my cousin, JONG, gwapo mode lang always.. im happy na you're happy right now. stay positive!


to my kabarkada for 8 years now, RHEMS, hang on lang lagi. kahit malayo ako, u know im here. labyu!


and, to one of the greatest girls i know, SAM, stay as u are.. like what i've said before, keber sa mga detractors... mga insecure lang yun coz they can't be u. miss talking to u... stay in love! ;)

MISS YOU 3!!!

... mothers

2nd day of being all alone here in the apartment. all i did yesterday was eat, read, try to finish my papers for school, watch tv, and go online.
but today is different. today's Mothers day.

i don't want to go out coz i know i'll just get jealous of seeing mothers and daughters together. i don't want to switch the tv on coz everything's all bout mothers. so i tried finishing my paper but all i can think off is my mom. see, im taking up Special Education and my mom used to be a teacher. eat? i miss my mom's cookin and the way she takes care of me. read? well, ok but the book im reading right now is bout a family. go online? well, i am now. its just that mothers day's all over the web too. but whatever! its just gonna be 1 day, right?

when i was a kid, i always make paper cards for my mom. i'd draw flowers and a sun. that's my favorite. and i'll put happy mother's day! i love u ma! on the other side. im not much of an artist so that's what i did every year. the only thing that has changed was what i write on the other side. my mom kept every paper cards i made for her. i forgot when i stopped doing that. i can't even remember giving her presents after those cards. all i know is that i'd always try to make her happy. idk. im a brat but deep inside all i want is for her to be happy with what i do. i was able to give her that --i think. i always received awards in school and i know how to save money. so whenever we're having a hard time with money, i'd lend her my savings. well, give her actually. i just used the word lend coz it made me feel like im a grown-up.

i've changed a lot when she passed away. thinking bout it, i became someone i don't recognize anymore. im always confused, i always make excuses, i became numb at some point, i forgot bout doing good for my future.... my mom is my all. she's my refuge. my cornerstone. i lost everything 8 years ago and up until now im having a hard time looking for the pieces.

mom visits me more often now through my dreams. i love it! its hard to remember every detail but i try to. makes me feel like she never really left.

i miss u ma! i know u know that. i know u can feel that.no matter how many steps i take to be mature and independent, just as u want me to be, i end up falling twice the number of steps i make. its coz i always look for you. i know you're happy where you are. and u deserve that hapiness. i just missed u a lot and im having a hard time figuring things out. i can't seem to solve the equation.


mama and i when i was around 9 years old, i think. and my sister in-law and brother visiting my moms grave last January

----will i see u on my dreams tonight? lets celebrate! we'll sing songs from sound of music and of boyzone. haha! then we'll drown ourselves with food. you love that, remember? and you'll tell funny stories about your students and co-teachers. and i'll tell you stories about what's happening in school and how much i love being a SpEd major... i'll see tonight, ok? that's a DATE! don't break it. love u! oh and i'll just keep my paper card for u. i'll give it when its my time to go.

my sister has 3 little pigs. oh! geez! 3 kings i mean.. wait, no.. they're musketeers! oh i know.... 3 stooges fits em better.... lol!
so, that makes my sister a mother! hmmm... even before she had her eldest, she's already a mother. at least to me. she became my mom when our mom passed away. no, we're not tight and all, we even fight like cats and dogs but i don't have a choice, don't i? don't get me wrong, i love her to bits! that's just how we were.

i think after she had yco (eldest son), that's when we became real close. real close i mean, big fights, trash talks, ignoring each other and stuff. i guess coz i got really jealous coz she has ababy already and i feel like im out of the picture. so i started being mean and all. again, i don't know how and when we became ok. and i mean OK. we would talk like real sisters would do and be like adult and all. of course we have moments of happy times before but it was way better when i got older because then i'd understand her and vice versa.

achie (that's what i call her), became my backbone in high school. clashing moments was there but whenever i need help, not just in school but with friends and boys, she was there. she would say what she thinks and give me advices. or if i had a feud with someone or someone started bitching on me first, she'll be like god-sister-zilla! i love her when she does that. she's my back up on almost everything. even if it's just a small thing but when she hears me talking bout not liking it or if im giving a fuss over it, she'll totally be there for me.

i haven't seen her for almost 2 years now. we talk on the phone, text each other, chat online and send emails to one another but its so different! before i left home, we're having so much fun and try to do things together even if she's busy with her 2 boys. her youngest, Gavin was just born last year. no matter how busy she is, even if she has a family already, she makes time for me. we'll always have bonding moments. and that's what i miss the most..


my sister with her 3 boys and another pic with her husband minus baby gavin

--chie, you know i love u right? it may seem like i hate u at times but that's normal, i guess. but seriously, I LOVE U! and i miss u sooo soooo much and im sorry if we haven't seen each other for a long time now. thank you for all the help and encouragement and for not yelling at me over the phone when i told u i got kicked out from the psychology program. u don't know how much that means to me. i was so down and i can't think straight at that time. i was so scared and disappointed of myself. i felt so bad about it. i still do. but you were all mellow and just told me what to do and kept on telling me that we'll fight it together. i was ready to go home but you made me not surrender. you were just like mama. both of u never wanted me to give up. both of u believed in me even if i don't believe in myself anymore.

we'll see each other soon. i know we will. not coz someone died or something bad happened. but because its gonna be Gav's christening and i'll be one of his guardian and its going to be christmas and we'll celebrate new year together again!

i love u chie!!!! happy mothers day!

feeling GREAT!

before my summer class started, i had this emotional argument with my brother. i just came to a point where i can't take it anymore. i don't like answering back to any of my family but idk what got into me. i started saying things i wished i could take back the moment i said it. i felt bad about everything that i said but at the same time, it felt good. coz finally i was able to let it all out. days passed that we don't talk. a saturday that i didn't went out of my room except to just eat a couple of slices of pizza my sis-in-law gave me. i love my brother but sometimes, he's just stubborn to listen to what i have to say and i admit that im stubborn to follow his rules.

my dad found out about it. my sister was sad about what happened and kept on checkin on me almost everyday if were already talking. my cousins and aunt heard about it too. since i wasn't able to visit them during holy week, they bugged me whats up.

messed up things need to happen to give way to something pretty.

sunday before my summer class started, i made peace with my brother. it was by the end of the mass where i came up to him and hugged him tight and said sorry. i cried like a baby and didn't care if there were alot of people around. i just want my brother back. and got him back! :)

its been weeks since that happened. and i couldn't be any happier! we started goofing around again, eating together, sharing stories and stuff. i couldn't afford to have another fight with him. i love him too much that it wrecks me whenever we're not talking.

and about school, im totally doing good! :) i saw my grades from last semester and my lowest was 1.9. the highest i got was 1.1. i can't believe it! i didn't know i could get those high scores. i was so happy! and right now, im just doing what i could to maintain those kind of grades. and so far, so good. i think. coz last week, one of my teachers gave me a positive comment about my class performance. call me a dork, whatever but im loving it!

oh, and we were required to apply in a call center in one of the classes im taking. the goal is for us to experience it. not get the job. but then, im on for my final interview in one of the newest company here in Cebu. im just waiting for their call. if i'll pass, im thinking of taking the job. they accept part-time and i need the money for school so wish me luck!