im just human. i make mistakes like every one does. and i'm trying to make up for those stupid mistakes. everyday i'm hunted by those mistakes. every day i try to cover it up with something nice. but every day, i know behind those eyes are disappointments and lies.
i'm getting older and i should've known better. there's no excuses for my decisions and actions. i know that. coz at some point, i wanted that to happen. but i'm not perfect. and i'm still a work in progress. everyone of us are. and i'm sorry for the pains i've caused. i'm getting older and i should've known better. but somehow, i'm still stuck on being this little girl who longs for her mom.
every day is a struggle. i'm not being ungrateful or anything. i am absolutely grateful for my family and friends around. but everyday i'm struggling to find myself and pull myself out of that little girl. if you lost your mom at a young age, grew up in a broken family, heard your parents fight every night, see your mom cry, you'd know what i'm talking about. actually, i was pretty much ok when my parents separated. it was when my mom passed away that had a huge impact in me.
as much as i'm trying to be a better person, just when i'm about to put the last piece, i breakdown again. over and over and over.. an unending cycle. i need my mom. i seriously need her. she's my refuge and cornerstone. my backbone. and she left. she told my aunt how i'll be okay because my dad and siblings will take care of me and that she knows that even if things'll go wrong, i'll still be fine. i hope so.
i have my family and GOD knows how much i want to make them proud again. i used to do that. getting good grades even if i've engaged myself to a lot of extra curricular activites, saving a lot money from my allowance, being sent to seminars and workshops and contests each year... they were happy. and i can't wait for the day to see them happy about me again. i hope i'm on the right track now. i don't care if i have to breakdown everyday as long as i can make them happy. because i owe them a lot.
im not a bad person. but i break, too. and sometimes, people mistook that for me being such a brat. and it's sad because they don't really ask what's wrong. and that's one reason why i need my Ma. because even if she's sooo mad at me, she listens. not that the people around me doesn't listen. they do. but it's different when it's your mom. there's a huge difference!
idk what i'm saying anymore.
i guess i just wanted to say sorry to everyone i have offended. sorry for the pains and hurt i have caused. sorry that i appear ungrateful. sorry if i rant a lot. sorry if i've been disrespectful. sorry for the times i acted like a total brat. sorry for being such a pain in the a**. sorry for not doing the things you've expected from me.
but i wish you would also see the positive things i have done and not dwell on the negatives. i wish you would understand that it's hard for me too. i wish you'd understand where i came from and that i'm trying to be better. i wish that you'd stop thinking that i'm ungrateful because every minute of the day, i pray and thank God for the blessings bestowed upon me. i also pray for the people who are helping me, that you will all be showered with so much graces. but again, there's no way to please everyone. so i'll just do my very best to please those who means the most to me. my family.
i know i sometimes act differently from what i say and vice versa. and it's complicated. but i'm putting an effort. if that's not enough, i will exert more just so things'll be better.
my blog is serving its purpose. letting me rant. i feel a lil better now. i'll feel a whole lot better though when the time comes that the people around me is smiling and happy and proud of the person i have become.
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
YOU don't matter.
People would say that I’m a total brat. When I was a kid, if I don’t like you, I would really hate you even if you’ve done nothing wrong against me. Some people would say that I’m super friendly and sweet. That’s because of how much I would show my affection to the people I care for and adore. I’m a true blue Gemini. I don’t just have 2 sides. I have 101 of them. That’s what makes me confusing and complicated. And it makes it hard for most people to relate and to get to know me. There are just a few people who know how to handle me. But, I wouldn’t say that they know who I am really. It’s just that they got used to my amazing mood swings and endless list of new “me’s.”
I believe I’m nice. Everyone one of us is. We are just placed with people and put in situations where we can’t help but unleash the devils inside us. We try to be patient and considerate and be graceful about each situation because well, were nice and we know better than step down on their level.
Sometimes, enough is enough though. Like right now, I’m tired of being nice to this person. It’s really sad because this person I consider one of my closest friends. Because I would tell Person X (I don’t want to say he or she or even name the person) almost everything of what’s going on in my life. Person X and I would go out together, eat out and do stuff together. So, what’s wrong? Well, I’ve been trying to be really patient about it but I’ve reached my limit.
You know how sometimes you do everything. EVERYTHING. And then someone gets mad and you’re still the one to blame. And then you turn to this person and pour your heartaches and disappointments of the things around and how you wish things would be different. You tell that person how it hurts you and how it would be nice to sit and talk things out. And then, that person would give you advices and would comfort you and remind you that thing’s will be ok. And you smile because you believe in what that person is saying.
Person X is like that. The problem? The fact that Person X knows what bothers me and how certain things and situations make me sad doesn’t change anything. Because Person X actually does the very thing on why the people around gets mad at me. In short, everything Person X said to me was all a fake. I expect Person X to be more considerate on the things around but no. It’s the complete opposite!
I know I sound confusing but this post is meant to just let my frustration out. I’ll write a clearer scenario about this one next time. All I know, right now, is that I’m not someone’s trash cleaner or dust wiper. I’m going to leave everything as it is and watch it rot. Call me a brat but I don't really care anymore. You're opinions doesn't matter to me now.
I believe I’m nice. Everyone one of us is. We are just placed with people and put in situations where we can’t help but unleash the devils inside us. We try to be patient and considerate and be graceful about each situation because well, were nice and we know better than step down on their level.
Sometimes, enough is enough though. Like right now, I’m tired of being nice to this person. It’s really sad because this person I consider one of my closest friends. Because I would tell Person X (I don’t want to say he or she or even name the person) almost everything of what’s going on in my life. Person X and I would go out together, eat out and do stuff together. So, what’s wrong? Well, I’ve been trying to be really patient about it but I’ve reached my limit.
You know how sometimes you do everything. EVERYTHING. And then someone gets mad and you’re still the one to blame. And then you turn to this person and pour your heartaches and disappointments of the things around and how you wish things would be different. You tell that person how it hurts you and how it would be nice to sit and talk things out. And then, that person would give you advices and would comfort you and remind you that thing’s will be ok. And you smile because you believe in what that person is saying.
Person X is like that. The problem? The fact that Person X knows what bothers me and how certain things and situations make me sad doesn’t change anything. Because Person X actually does the very thing on why the people around gets mad at me. In short, everything Person X said to me was all a fake. I expect Person X to be more considerate on the things around but no. It’s the complete opposite!
I know I sound confusing but this post is meant to just let my frustration out. I’ll write a clearer scenario about this one next time. All I know, right now, is that I’m not someone’s trash cleaner or dust wiper. I’m going to leave everything as it is and watch it rot. Call me a brat but I don't really care anymore. You're opinions doesn't matter to me now.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
sweet lady, why did you have to go so soon?
3 years ago i met someone on the internet. in blogspot. her name was Irma but i call her Mimi. twas on Bianca Gonzales' blog entry that i saw her. she left a comment and i liked what she said (i can't remember the post anymore). so i started reading her blog, too. i had so much fun reading her entries. and then i found out that we were just in the same city!
we talked a lot for months and leave each other comments and messages on facebook and on our blog sites. she helped me whenever i have problems with codes and even was about to make a new template for me.
then suddenly her posts became rare to none. i thought it was just a writers block. but two months after there was a new post. i would be smiling for that's what her posts makes me feel but what i read saddened me. my new friend died. She died October 21, 2008. i thought twas a joke but there was a picture. so i immediately went to her facebook page and read the posts on her wall. confirmed. she passed away. i added someone who posted a message on her wall and sent him a message. he was a family friend and haven't seen Irma for a long time and he was amazed at how Irma grew up to be a fine lady. he told me that she died because of something about lack of potassium.
it's her 2nd year death anniversary yesterday.
she's still on my blog roll. she's one of the first people who really paid attention to what i write. i miss her. she was only 24 when she passed away. just 4 years older than me but we're like soul sisters. we never even met personally because our schedules were so insane. she works at night, i have school during the day.
anyway, if you want to read her posts, check it ---> HERE
i miss you Mi. i hope you're having a good time there and is still writing. shower those happy thoughts on me, will you? so i can somewhat forward them to other people. say Hi to my Mama for me. we'll be blogging side by side when its my time go. but right now, im gona do that from here.
we talked a lot for months and leave each other comments and messages on facebook and on our blog sites. she helped me whenever i have problems with codes and even was about to make a new template for me.
then suddenly her posts became rare to none. i thought it was just a writers block. but two months after there was a new post. i would be smiling for that's what her posts makes me feel but what i read saddened me. my new friend died. She died October 21, 2008. i thought twas a joke but there was a picture. so i immediately went to her facebook page and read the posts on her wall. confirmed. she passed away. i added someone who posted a message on her wall and sent him a message. he was a family friend and haven't seen Irma for a long time and he was amazed at how Irma grew up to be a fine lady. he told me that she died because of something about lack of potassium.
it's her 2nd year death anniversary yesterday.
she's still on my blog roll. she's one of the first people who really paid attention to what i write. i miss her. she was only 24 when she passed away. just 4 years older than me but we're like soul sisters. we never even met personally because our schedules were so insane. she works at night, i have school during the day.
anyway, if you want to read her posts, check it ---> HERE
i miss you Mi. i hope you're having a good time there and is still writing. shower those happy thoughts on me, will you? so i can somewhat forward them to other people. say Hi to my Mama for me. we'll be blogging side by side when its my time go. but right now, im gona do that from here.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Mr. Pineapple and Ms. Raisins
I eat everything. Of course those are edible. Ok, not exactly everything. There are some foods that I can’t eat. Not that I’m allergic or is not allowed by my religion (I’m a Roman Catholic) but because I don’t like it. But majority of the foods around, I can swallow. I’ve tried eating exotic foods, too. Like, farm frog, duck egg (we call it Balot here in the Philippines), fried grasshopper, snake and a monitor lizard. Its either fried or adobo (where you put soy sauce and vinegar). I love trying out foods. I love to explore and get to know one’s culture through the food they eat. I’m like so far away from what I wanna talk about. But it’s the same. I was talking about food. It’s just I want to focus more on pineapples and raisins.
I used to sneak in my grandparents’ kitchen just to get a small box of Sun-Maid raisins. I just love to munch away with it upon waking up from a nap. Thing is it’s my Lola’s favorite so I have to be discreet. I can’t really take a box unless there are a lot of them. if not, then I’ll end up just taking a few pieces. My Lolo would even tell me that its a goats poop. wel, it kinda looks like one. haha! but i still love them. I’m all smiles whenever my Mom would buy a box. It’s what I would bring in school and eat during recess. I was famous! Because most kids in my class doesn’t really know about raisins may be because it’s not really a kid’s food. I was around 4-5 years old at that time.
And here comes Mr. Pineapple. Laugh at me now but my first encounter with him was in a can (I’m not really sure how old I was that time). And yep! Del Monte baby! I just love opening those cans and pouring everything on a bowl especially when its cold. when i was older, around 17, while studying in Bohol, i would spend my weekends at my cousins house. there, my uncle would always munch on pineapples or watermelons or apples.. i was reunited with my love, Mr. Pineapple during my stay in Bohol. and this time, Mr. Salt joined our company. my uncle introduced me to him and im glad he did. our journey got better!
I'm in love of these two. reminds me of old days. simple pleasures in life. BUT! yes, there's a BUT.. i like to eat my Mr and Ms as it is. I don't like Hawaiian Pizzas, or any dishes that has pineapple on it. you'll see me piling pineapples on the side just because. i have the same drama with raisins. i don't like it mixed with my food. pile pile pile em all on the side. like i loathe them so much to ignore their yummyness. like they've betrayed me and they're unforgivable. i know it's not their fault to be mixed with other food but whatever!
why am i writing this? well, i ate some del monte pineapple tidbits (free advertising) earlier while watching Modern Family. and it brought me back to memory lane and made me realize how weird i am for going crazy over it but hating it when it's mixed. oh well, im like that.
I used to sneak in my grandparents’ kitchen just to get a small box of Sun-Maid raisins. I just love to munch away with it upon waking up from a nap. Thing is it’s my Lola’s favorite so I have to be discreet. I can’t really take a box unless there are a lot of them. if not, then I’ll end up just taking a few pieces. My Lolo would even tell me that its a goats poop. wel, it kinda looks like one. haha! but i still love them. I’m all smiles whenever my Mom would buy a box. It’s what I would bring in school and eat during recess. I was famous! Because most kids in my class doesn’t really know about raisins may be because it’s not really a kid’s food. I was around 4-5 years old at that time.
And here comes Mr. Pineapple. Laugh at me now but my first encounter with him was in a can (I’m not really sure how old I was that time). And yep! Del Monte baby! I just love opening those cans and pouring everything on a bowl especially when its cold. when i was older, around 17, while studying in Bohol, i would spend my weekends at my cousins house. there, my uncle would always munch on pineapples or watermelons or apples.. i was reunited with my love, Mr. Pineapple during my stay in Bohol. and this time, Mr. Salt joined our company. my uncle introduced me to him and im glad he did. our journey got better!
I'm in love of these two. reminds me of old days. simple pleasures in life. BUT! yes, there's a BUT.. i like to eat my Mr and Ms as it is. I don't like Hawaiian Pizzas, or any dishes that has pineapple on it. you'll see me piling pineapples on the side just because. i have the same drama with raisins. i don't like it mixed with my food. pile pile pile em all on the side. like i loathe them so much to ignore their yummyness. like they've betrayed me and they're unforgivable. i know it's not their fault to be mixed with other food but whatever!
why am i writing this? well, i ate some del monte pineapple tidbits (free advertising) earlier while watching Modern Family. and it brought me back to memory lane and made me realize how weird i am for going crazy over it but hating it when it's mixed. oh well, im like that.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
failing in college? READ THIS.
At 17 years old, you're supposed to be a freshman in college. you're expected to finish at 20. unless you have a 5 year course or decided to proceed to have a Masters Degree. but that's the limit. 4 years.
i was a freshman college at 17. im 23 now, and i still have 2 semesters and 1 summer to do before i get hold of my diploma. 7 years. though i stopped for a semester, still SEVEN FREAKIN YEARS is blinking over my head.
the speech you're about to read, was just shared by a friend of mine from high school, Fatima. (thank you sooo much! super big help to sa akin. i can read it over and over again whenever i feel like giving up) and to whoever wrote this, I SALUTE YOU! for being real and for helping us. 3 lang naman yung bagsak ko. 1 sa nursing. 2 sa psychology. now that im in SPED, im proud to say UNO na grado ko. but my family can't seem to get over the fact that i FAILED and that IM STILL IN SCHOOL. so, thank you for writing this. you gave me a bunch of hope. hopefully, by posting your speech here in my blog, it'll help other students to not give up as well.
-------
This speech was delivered by a La Sallian engineer in one of the graduation ceremonies at the UP College of Engineering.
-----
Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito, kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number ka na nagsisimula sa “94” at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong school year at umabot ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.
Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.
Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating mga magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong makaahon. Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang pakialam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng “Summa Cum Laude”, “Best Thesis Award” at “Leadership Award.” Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng “Hang-on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay” award.
Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?
Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.
Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo “Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba’t kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya.”
Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na “Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang,” pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?
Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang “TAKE 5 NA KO!!!” o “Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc.” Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na namang ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term.
Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa “Star Student” na sabihing “Nay, bagsak ako.” at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na “Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?” Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.
Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything. Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaabot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.
Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumagpak, muntik-muntikan nang masipa o yung sa lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit alam mong hindi ito magiging patas sa iyo. Saludo ako na kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.
Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo namang may patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron?
Maaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e ba’t titigilan niyo yung pagti-tiyaga ngayon?
Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sisipagin ka lang, malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang.
Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako.
I’ve been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na ang umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na ang masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.
Akin ang transcript na ito.
Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto. Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako.
This is a rebellion. I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor THAT TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it’s supposed to be the graduate’s moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times.
Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.
i was a freshman college at 17. im 23 now, and i still have 2 semesters and 1 summer to do before i get hold of my diploma. 7 years. though i stopped for a semester, still SEVEN FREAKIN YEARS is blinking over my head.
the speech you're about to read, was just shared by a friend of mine from high school, Fatima. (thank you sooo much! super big help to sa akin. i can read it over and over again whenever i feel like giving up) and to whoever wrote this, I SALUTE YOU! for being real and for helping us. 3 lang naman yung bagsak ko. 1 sa nursing. 2 sa psychology. now that im in SPED, im proud to say UNO na grado ko. but my family can't seem to get over the fact that i FAILED and that IM STILL IN SCHOOL. so, thank you for writing this. you gave me a bunch of hope. hopefully, by posting your speech here in my blog, it'll help other students to not give up as well.
-------
This speech was delivered by a La Sallian engineer in one of the graduation ceremonies at the UP College of Engineering.
-----
Ngayong araw na ito, sa ating pagtatapos, mayroon akong dalang Transcript of Record. Ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito ay nag-aral sa De La Salle University. Sa unibersidad na ito, kapag ikaw ay isang undergraduate, may ID number ka na nagsisimula sa “94” at pataas, kung lumipas ang isang buong school year at umabot ka sa 15 units na bagsak, masisipa ka sa paaralan.
Ang transcript na hawak ko ay mayroong 27 units ng bagsak. 12 sa mga ito ay tinamo ng estudyante sa iisang schoolyear lang. Ang isang subject ay kadalasang may bigat na 3 units. Kung iisiping mabuti, isang subject na bagsak na lang ay pwede na masipa ang estudyanteng may-ari ng transcript na ito.
Ang speech na ito ay hindi ko ginawa para i-acknowledge ang paghihirap ng ating mga magulang sa pagpapaaral satin. Hindi ko din ito ginawa para maghayag ng political statement, o kumbinsihin kayo na huwag umalis sa bansa at tulungan itong makaahon. Ang speech na ito ay para sa mga normal na estudyante na kagaya ng may may-ari ng transcript na hawak ko, dahil madalas, wala talagang pakialam ang unibersidad sa mga achievements nila. May mga awards na gaya ng “Summa Cum Laude”, “Best Thesis Award” at “Leadership Award.” Pero ni minsan, hindi pa ako nakakakita ng unibersidad na nagbigay ng “Hang-on and managed to graduate despite nearly getting kicked-out during his academic stay” award.
Maaaring isang malaking kagaguhan ang konseptong ito para sa karamihan. Bakit mo pararangalan ang isang estudyanteng bulakbol, bobo, tamad o iresponsable? Hindi ba dapat isuka ito ng unibersidad? Ito yung mga tipo ng estudyanteng walang ia-asenso sa buhay, hindi ba?
Ayun. Natumbok niyo.Iyun na nga ang dahilan.
Madalas, pag ang isang estudyante ay may pangit na marka sa paaralan, lalong lalo na sa kolehiyo, nakakapanghina ito ng loob. Nandiyan yung tatamarin ka mag-aral, nandyan yung iisipin mo “Ano pa kayang trabaho ang makukuha ko? Call center na naman o clerical? Ba’t kasi ang bobo ko. Kung matalino lang ako, sana, sa Proctor and Gamble ako, o kung saang sikat na kumpanya.”
Mas mahirap ang dinadaanan ng mga estudyanteng bumabagsak. Kahit na sabihin mong kasalanan nilang bumabagsak sila, hindi ninyo alam kung ano ang pakiramdam ng ganun. Madaling sabihin na “Kaya mo yan, mag-aral ka lang,” pero alam ba natin talaga ang sinasabi natin?
Kapag ang isang estudyante ay bumabagsak sa unibersidad, nandiyan yung tatawanan niya lang yan. O di kaya naman, ipagmamalaki niya pang “TAKE 5 NA KO!!!” o “Pare, magpi-PhD na ako sa Anmath3/Calculus/etc.” Pero hindi alam ng mga isang Summa Cum Laude kung ano ang nasa isip ng isang normal na estudyante sa tuwing matutulog ito at alam niyang pag-gising niya, kailangan niya na namang ulitin ang isang subject na nakuha niya na sa susunod na term.
Kahit kalian, hindi naging problema sa “Star Student” na sabihing “Nay, bagsak ako.” at hindi kailanman sumagi sa isip nila na “Paano kaya kung sa walang-pangalang kumpanya lang ako makapagtrabaho?” Dahil sigurado sila sa kinabukasan nila.
Huwag na tayong maglokohan. Grades are everything. Kahit bali-baligtarin mo iyan, hindi magiging patas ang mga kumpanyang kumukuha ng fresh graduates para magtrabaho sa kanila. Minsan din naman, nadadaan sa palakasan, pero ganun pa din. Kung hindi ka academically good, wala kang patutunguhan. Kung hindi man yun, mas mahirap yung dadaanan mo para lang makaabot sa prestihiyosong posisyon.
Kaya ngayong graduation, ang speech na ito ay inaaalay ko para sa mga estudyanteng lumagpak, muntik-muntikan nang masipa o yung sa lahat ng paraang pwede, ginawa na para lang makatapos. Gagawin kong patas ang mundo para sa inyo kahit isang araw lang. Kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kesyo kasalanan mo man na pangit ang marka mo o muntik ka nang makick-out, saludo ako sa hindi mo pagtigil sa pag-aaral. Saludo ako na may lakas ka ng loob na harapin pa rin ang mundo kahit alam mong hindi ito magiging patas sa iyo. Saludo ako na kahit pangit ang transcript mo, taas noo ka pa rin ngayong graduation at proud na proud sa sarili mo.
Ano ngayon ang mangyayari sa mga graduates pagkatapos nitong graduation? Ayoko nang puntahan yung pwedeng mangyayari sa mga Cum Laude. Baduy. Alam mo namang may patutunguhan ang buhay nila e. Pero dun sa mga lumagpak, ano ang meron?
Maaring makakuha kayo ng mediocre na trabaho lang. Pwede ka rin swertehin, baka makapagtrabaho ka sa magandang kumpanya. Madami pang pwedeng mangyari. Huwag kayong mawalan ng pag-asa. Kung nung college, nagtiyaga kayo e ba’t titigilan niyo yung pagti-tiyaga ngayon?
Pwede ring ganito: Mag-aral ka ulit. Ipakita mo sa kanila na kung sisipagin ka lang, malayo ang mararating mo. Subukan mong patunayan sa kanila na kapag pinilit mo, kaya mo ring abutin yung naabot nila. Na hindi ka bobo, kundi tinamad ka lang.
Baka sabihin ninyo, drowing lang ako.
I’ve been on both sides. Naranasan ko na ring lumagpak, at muntikan na din akong masipa. Naranasan ko na ang umulit ng 4 na beses sa iisang subject. Naranasan ko na ang masumbatan ng magulang, kapatid at kung sino-sino pang propesor na walang pakialam sa pakiramdam ng estuyante. Naranasan ko nang hindi makatulog ng maraming gabi sa pagiisip kung paano ko na naman sasabihin sa magulang ko na may bagsak na naman ako. Kaya alam ko ang pakiramdam ninyo.
Akin ang transcript na ito.
Pagkagraduate ko ng college, ano ang ginawa ko? Eto. Nagtrabaho muna ng konti, tapos aral ulit. Kuha ng Masteral sa kurso ko. Hindi para sa trabaho o kung ano man. Kundi para patunayan sa sarili ko na noong mga panahong bumabagsak ako, tinatamad lang ako.
This is a rebellion. I raise my middle finger to every professor, over-achiever, naysayer and detractor THAT TOLD ME THAT I CAN'T MAKE IT. I raise my middle finger to every valedictory or graduation speech that only gratifies the university, those who were achievers in school or those who gratify the country when it’s supposed to be the graduate’s moment of glory. You are supposed to acknowledge EVERYONE. Even those who failed many times.
Kaya sa inyong mga graduates na medyo hindi maganda ang marka, para sa inyo ito. Kung kinaya ko ito, kaya niyo rin to. Imposibleng hindi.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
i need some serious help
i should be happy coz my last exam for the semester just ended yesterday. but something happened last night that up til im bothered. im on the verge of really giving up. not just with him but with everything. im on that line again. im no quitter. i don't like it. i fight. but sometimes, when you're fighting so hard but the things and people you're fighting for would still think you're doing nothing makes you just want to raise a white flag and get killed.
i live in a place where the only family i have seems like just another person. in short, i feel alone. as happy and bubbly i am, im sad inside. i just don't want to show it because i don't want it to affect other people. so i try my best. to still spread some positivity even if that means me falling apart at night. i live far away from the guy i soooo want to be with. it's hard because i don't talk to him as much. because, my school is eating my time and i don't have wifi anymore, and i have to save because i need to budget my allowance and stop asking money from my brother. but these reasons are not enough. apparently, im just not making much effort. ouch!
that's the same thing with my brother. im not good enough. im not doing what i really have to do. im lax. im too lazy. i complain a lot. i don't show gratitude and the list goes on. and now im hearing that from the guy i love. and its breaking me into tiny pieces. its not like my heart was fixed. its not and will never be. its broken already and then this!
i wish there's a camera 24/7 following me. so people would see how much im suffering. how much im working hard. how much i want to be the best for them. they're not seeing it or feeling it. so if there's a psychiatrist reading this or some professional who is an expert on these kind of thing, please leave a comment or tweet me at @chinobrooke. because im seriously in dire need of help.
i live in a place where the only family i have seems like just another person. in short, i feel alone. as happy and bubbly i am, im sad inside. i just don't want to show it because i don't want it to affect other people. so i try my best. to still spread some positivity even if that means me falling apart at night. i live far away from the guy i soooo want to be with. it's hard because i don't talk to him as much. because, my school is eating my time and i don't have wifi anymore, and i have to save because i need to budget my allowance and stop asking money from my brother. but these reasons are not enough. apparently, im just not making much effort. ouch!
that's the same thing with my brother. im not good enough. im not doing what i really have to do. im lax. im too lazy. i complain a lot. i don't show gratitude and the list goes on. and now im hearing that from the guy i love. and its breaking me into tiny pieces. its not like my heart was fixed. its not and will never be. its broken already and then this!
i wish there's a camera 24/7 following me. so people would see how much im suffering. how much im working hard. how much i want to be the best for them. they're not seeing it or feeling it. so if there's a psychiatrist reading this or some professional who is an expert on these kind of thing, please leave a comment or tweet me at @chinobrooke. because im seriously in dire need of help.
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