i should be happy coz my last exam for the semester just ended yesterday. but something happened last night that up til im bothered. im on the verge of really giving up. not just with him but with everything. im on that line again. im no quitter. i don't like it. i fight. but sometimes, when you're fighting so hard but the things and people you're fighting for would still think you're doing nothing makes you just want to raise a white flag and get killed.
i live in a place where the only family i have seems like just another person. in short, i feel alone. as happy and bubbly i am, im sad inside. i just don't want to show it because i don't want it to affect other people. so i try my best. to still spread some positivity even if that means me falling apart at night. i live far away from the guy i soooo want to be with. it's hard because i don't talk to him as much. because, my school is eating my time and i don't have wifi anymore, and i have to save because i need to budget my allowance and stop asking money from my brother. but these reasons are not enough. apparently, im just not making much effort. ouch!
that's the same thing with my brother. im not good enough. im not doing what i really have to do. im lax. im too lazy. i complain a lot. i don't show gratitude and the list goes on. and now im hearing that from the guy i love. and its breaking me into tiny pieces. its not like my heart was fixed. its not and will never be. its broken already and then this!
i wish there's a camera 24/7 following me. so people would see how much im suffering. how much im working hard. how much i want to be the best for them. they're not seeing it or feeling it. so if there's a psychiatrist reading this or some professional who is an expert on these kind of thing, please leave a comment or tweet me at @chinobrooke. because im seriously in dire need of help.
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Phil 4:13
1 comment:
have you read that grad speech that's been circulating on Facebook? that might help.
my older brother graduated college at twenty-five. his first post on FB after that was "everybody gets a second chance. even three."
hang in there. you can do it. you'll smile at this someday. hope i helped even just a bit. :)
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