mama and being crazy

Arthur’s parents are leaving tomorrow. I had so much fun with them in a span of 2 weeks. His mom is amazing. His dad is sooo funny. I love them! And I think I’m really going to miss them.

Tita San is like my mom. Its crazy! She loves to cook, she loves telling stories, she loves to sing and dance, she’s laughs a lot and so was my mom. They even have the same hairstyle! Spending time with her is like im given another chance to spend time with my mom. I got my wish again! I always try to see mama in my dreams. And so far, im able to do that. but to see someone who is so much like my mom, is such a blessing!

Last night, I heard mass at Sto. Nino with Arthur and his parents. I think that’s the first mass I heard there that was English. Im not sure if they’ve noticed but I was crying while listening to the homily, singing Our Father and by the end of the mass. The feeling was sooo different! It felt like my mom was there. I have never experienced that feeling for a long time and its so hard to explain it. it was peaceful, like she’s hugging me, like she’s telling me that everything’s gonna be ok. That she’s happy and proud. And I’ll continue to make her proud.

I know a lot of people are worried about me. A lot of people are getting scared just seeing how Arthur and I are together. I know we’re crazy over each other and sometimes we don’t really care if there are people around us. But, we’re not that crazy to do stupid things. we love each other and we love life! And we’re going to do this right. I had a talk about this with my sister-in-law and she admitted that she’s scared. Its funny!

But again, I promised my Mom, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone especially my dad. and knowing that God is with us, im more empowered to do good, to do what is right and to just make everyone happy!

i LOVE him too much its scary

i don't really get jealous. people thinks i am. i think people misunderstood that.
I'M SELFISH!

i just realized that tonight. i mean, how hardcore selfish i am.

i've been spending a lot of time with Arthur everyday since January 5. we only missed 1 day since he was in Mactan and i was stuck in the apartment. anyway, we've been so blessed by the amount of time given to us to be together but i still want more. i was too much in love with him that it never occurred to me that im being selfish. he has a lot of relatives here. cousins he could hang out with but after he left my apartment tonight, i realized i've been taking all those times he could've spent with his relatives. the thing is, whenever he's not around, i start to worry too much, it drives me crazy! im scared that if he goes out at night and hang out at bars, something will happen. im scared that some girl will approach him and him being a nice guy can't shoo the stupid girl. im scared that he'll get bored at me and would just prefer hanging out with other people.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

i just want to keep him to myself.
i want to tell the whole world how lucky and blessed i am but im also scared that they'll take him away from me.
i love him and i want him to be happy.
i love him but i don't know how to make him feel that.
i love him but im not sure if he really knows it.

he's going back to Florida next month. im running out of time.
i don't know what to do.
i want him to stay but i know he can't.
i don't even know if im making any sense right now.
my mind is soooo cluttered and i know it's affecting us.

Dear God, please give me strength. i love him! please help me make him feel that...

excerpt from Love, Stargil by Jerry Spinelli

*** this poem struck me. i'd love to destroy every clock i have right now. checking time drives me so crazy! i hate how they shorten happy moments and seem to prolong agony. i hate it when i have to wait for the day or time that i'll see him. it sucks! i miss him!


THE CLOCK ON THE MORNING LENAPE BUILDING

must clock be circles?
time is not a circle.
suppose the Mother of All Minutes started
right here, on the sidewalk
in front of the Morning Lenape Building, and the parade
of minutes that followed --each of them, say, one inch long --
headed out that way, down Bridge Street.
where would Now be? This minute?
out past the moon?
jupiter?
the nearest star?

who came up with minutes, anyway?
who need them?
name one good thing a minute's ever done.
they shorten fun and measure misery.
get rid of them, i say.
down with minutes!
and while you're at --take hours
with you too. don't get me started
on them.

Clocks --that's the problem.
every clock is a nest of minutes and hours.
clock strap us into their shape.
instead of heading to the nearest star, all we do
is corkscrew.
clocks locks us into minutes, make ferris wheel
riders of us all, lug us round and round
from number to number,
dice the time of our lives into tiny bits
until the bits are all we know
and the only question we care to ask is
"what time is it?"

as if minutes could tell.
as if Arnold could look up at this clock on
the Lenape Building and read:
15 minutes till Found.
as if Charlie's time is not forever stuck
on Half Past Grace.
as if a swarm of stinging minutes waits for Betty Lou
to step outside.
as if Love does not tell all the time the Huffelmeyers
need to know.

i just can't help it

there's a bunch of things i wanna share but first month of the year and i've been procrastinating a lot! im still not over the holidays. had so much fun going back home and spending time with my family and friends. was actually absent for 2 days in school and i've missed a lot. but luckily, i was able to catch up. i don't even know how i did it because i've been spending a lot of time with Antino, its crazy! i hardly get enough sleep coz of the homeworks and quizzes. don't get me wrong, im not complaining. im just amazed on how everything is working even if im always cramming already. its not like he's here in cebu forever.

-sigh- exactly a month from now, he's leaving for florida. he's going home. im trying to condition myself as early as now. but its just hard. im seeing him everyday and we've been doing things together since i came back from cotabato. when he leaves, i really don't know what i'll do. the last time was ok. maybe because we only got a few days and i was still shy. yea... i still get shy. haha! but seriously, just thinking about it makes me teary eyed already.

whatever! i'll try my best to just savor every moment im with him. though there are times that im being so moody and i know he's having a hard time and just tried to deal with me patiently. im so lucky he's like that... i cried a couple of times just remembering how i made him sad by not talking the whole time we were at ayala to have lunch. it wasn't my intention, it just happened. i was tired and being a bitch. it was actually nothing to me until he asked me something and i just felt really guilty.


anyway, i love him! the past days just proves how much im freakin in love with this guy! i never knew i could be this crazily in love with someone. not everyone gets to feel something as amazing as this! im blessed, and im sooo thankful!





i really wish, whoever you are reading this, would experience what im feeling now.