slaying his demons

for you to understand this post, you might want to check Antino's blog first.

I'm angry, at myself for wanting to see her so badly. ---it’s just normal, right? We miss each other so much.. it’s been over a month since we last saw each other and it’s really hard

I'm angry that seeing her costs money. ---im sorry. If only I can do something. But as long as im still in school, there’s really nothing I can do but to wait for you to come here. And im so thankful for the effort you’re putting.

I'm angry at myself for not landing any gigs. ---you’ll get one soon. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re too focused on not landing any gigs that it’s really happening.

I'm angry at myself for not selling any poetry books. ---you sold 3 last night. That’s better than nothing

I'm angry at myself for not having a real job. ---love whatever you have right now. There are people who don’t even have an income (Hi to ME!) There’s no such thing as real job. Just because you’re not working in a company and sitting in an office or working from 9-5 means you don’t have a real job.

I'm angry at myself for not knowing how to play the guitar or sing. ---let’s be angry together coz I don’t know how to play the guitar, too. I can sing for you though. And just because you can’t do those things, doesn’t make you less of a person.

I'm angry at myself for not being able to make peace with the fact that she has crushes on every guy who picks up a guitar and sings. ---so NOT TRUE! Maybe I like them because of their music, because of their songs and not them. it just looks like I like every one of them because music is part of me. It’s in my blood.

I'm angry that I'm not one of those guys. ---be happy about it! Why? Coz if you’re one of them then you’re just ONE OF THEM. I LOVE YOU now. For who you are. And im glad you are not one of them. you’re a stand out! And im glad I have you.

I'm angry at her guy friends for being so boyfriend-close to her. ---I love you! And im sorry. You already know why im close to them. but im not like that to all of them. and why do you think im so good with you now? It’s because they thought me how to be a guy..

I'm angry at her body for looking so damn hot. ---really? Im hot? Thank you! Oh, haha! Im hot because you love me. im hot because I love you. Im hot because I have you. You really don’t have a choice. =P

I'm angry at the way I went out to the Arts Festival to sell 15 books, but only sold three. ---be thankful! 3 people are now reading your books. And they could be sharing it with other people now. Hang in there.

Why can't I just be happy that she got to go out and have fun? ¬---coz you’re being a worrywart like me! Me trying to have fun is really no fun when you’re not here. Swear! It’s really different. Why do you think I went home early? It’s because I’d rather spend the night alone here in the apartment talking to you than be surrounded by a bunch of people I hardly know.

I'm angry that a handsome guy with a good guitar hand and a soothing voice made her happy. ---as if a pretty girl with a good piano fingers and a heavenly voice don’t make you happy… oh and girls with good guitar hands, too? (shout out to Alicia Keys, Zee Avi, Yuna, Ingrid Michaelson, Esperanza Spalding…. ) and they could make me happy but they’re nothing compared to how you make me happy.

I'm angry at Myspace for harboring so many attractive male musicians. ---trust me, there’s not much of them. and most of them are just being extra friendly coz they’re trying to sell their music.

I'm angry at how she talks to all of them. ---I don’t talk to all of them! ack! I hardly even go on-line on myspace anymore. And if I talk to them, it’s because of their song. Not because I want to be boyfriend-close to them.

I'm angry at how they make her feel. ---their music. Not them. part of the reason why im still here, being strong about us is because of their music.

I'm angry at how I can't stop them from sweeping her off her feet because I don't even have a guitar, or a voice, to defend myself with. ---there’s nothing to stop because they’re not sweeping me off my feet! I already have you! You don’t need a guitar or a voice to defend yourself, because im yours already and no one can take me away from you.

I'm angry at how I want to compete with them with my cards and my pen. ---even without competing, you’ve already WON!

I'm angry that I chose those art forms- she figures out my tricks, and my words give her nosebleeds. ---im glad you chose those art forms. Why do you think I figured out some of your tricks? Because im too obsessed with you that I want to learn and understand what you are doing. You made nosebleeds FUN! Seriously. I love listening to you. I love hearing you talk and im sorry if sometimes it appears like you’re talking to yourself. It’s just that it makes me happy hearing you that sometimes I get lost in that world.

I'm angry at how that's not her thing. ---not my thing? Think again. If it’s not my thing then I wouldn’t be this supportive to your craft. And I’ll be already gone. Remember how windy I am? LOOK! Im still here with you. 

I'm angry at how I am. ---but I LOVE YOU! And will love you no matter what stupid state you are in.


8888 Arthur. We’re learning a lot from each other and I know it’s hard learning it from halfway around the world. Nobody said it’s going to be easy. But this is temporary. Everything that is happening is teaching us how to be a better person for each other. Remember what Mark said about not having to worry coz there’s really nothing to worry about?  distance is our only enemy and where about to conquer it. Im about to start another semester and im almost at the finish line. Smile! We’re getting there. I love you, Arthur Antonio! …always and forever

NOTE TO SELF

You should love the person who’s been with you through the most trying times… who lied just to make you feel better.. Who never stopped believing in your weird complicated excuses.. Who face the consequences of your wrong doings.. Who encourages you to stand after every downfall.. Who manage to be the strongest even in your weakest moment..

Love this person for this is all you got in your darkest hours.

Want to know who?

Face the mirror, that person deserves your LOVE, too!

If, When

If someone tries to pull you down ---smile
If someone spreads rumors about you ---smile
If someone talks behind your back ---smile
If someone degrades you ---smile
If someone lies to you ---smile
If someone misunderstands your actions ---smile
If someone won’t listen to you ---smile
If someone won’t let you defend yourself ---smile
If someone starts to be mean at you---keep on smiling
… Eventually they’ll get tired and by that time, start laughing!

When someone screams at you ---talk softly
When someone gets mad at you ---say sorry
When someone blames you for something you didn’t do ---brush it off
When someone hates you ---love them
When someone curses you ---forgive them
When someone doubts you ---have faith in them
When someone destroys you ---build them up
When someone makes you cry ---make them smile
Life is life. Know that nothing good will ever comes out if you try to get even.
Stay nice and let their souls die.

RESPECT! --> look for its meaning

Early this morning I had a fight with the tenants of door 2. it’s freakin 5am and they’ve been shouting and talking loud that it’s impossible for you to get a 30 minutes of straight sleep. So with all my might, I slammed their screen door and fired away a sermon at them. They said sorry, well some of them. But after each sentence they would talk back like I don’t hear them. I was so mad my heart was pounding so hard and I was already trembling. I’ve never been that mad for a long time. I later cried in my room because I hated the feeling. I hate fights. I hate screaming and confrontations. I hate having enemies. But they are being too much already. They are college students who act like toddlers. Actually, toddlers are better because they get scared. But they just brushed me off like dust. Not a big deal. I don’t know if they’ve understood what I said or they just chose to ignore everything. All I know is that they don’t know what the word RESPECT means.

Just this afternoon I had a talk with the right hands of the owner of the apartment and one of the tenants of the other door. And I found out that the father of the girl who kept on answering back is a principal and her Mom is in the US. Her parents are separated. And someone commented that that explains why she is like that. I disagree. My parents are separated and I’m definitely not like her. I know when to tone down my voice and I know when the proper time to make some noise is. Not when the rest of the people are trying to get some sleep. Not in the middle of the night and definitely NOT 5 in the morning.

I feel bad for her and her parents. And everyone else that was there this morning. They all looked stupid and uneducated. I am so glad that even if I’m stubborn, I still know what respect is. I still know how to give respect. I’m glad that even if my parents are separated, I still grew up ok. I’m not saying that I’m, perfect because I’m far from being perfect. All I’m trying to say is being good is up to you. It’s a choice. Be sensitive. If you want people to respect you, learn to give respect too.

13th grandchild's backbone

it's Papa's birthday today and its been years since i last spent it with him back home. this is the time where i really want to be there with him. i know he doesn't want to celebrate because he just lost his brother last month and he is still grieving. but i just want to be there for him. if not celebrate, then grieve with him. i miss him. i was home last christmas vacation and i felt like he needs me more there. and i feel bad because im still in school. if i was able to graduate sooner then maybe i could spend more time with him now. he tells my Ate that he still can't believe that Uncle Del is gone. he keeps on askin why Uncle and not him. he's the older brother and he's more sick. i know he's just having a hard time accepting it. i feel sad that he is sad. i feel even more sad because no matter how i cheer him up and tell him about positive things, it seems like he's ignoring it. i wish i could hug Papa now and hold his hands and tell him that everything's ok. that Uncle is in a better place and he's happy and he won't like it if we're sad down here. but i also know that there are no words that can make him feel better. but i know that a hug would help. and im not there to give him that. and it really sucks!

i hope and pray that he'll still have a nice birthday with Ate Neng, Ate, Papsh and the kids and the rest of the family. i hope and pray that he'll be ok soon.

Pa, i love you! you might think that im still mad and still blaming you for what happened to our family but i honestly have forgiven you a long time ago. you gave me strength. you taught me to fight. you taught me to stand up for what i believe in. you gave me hope. you taught me to have faith. you taught me LIFE. im sorry for not being the daughter you expected me to be. i know im stubborn and unpredictable most of the times and im sorry but that's because im on my way on making you proud. i just took a different route. i can't wait! im so excited to see you smile and really happy! im almost there.


Happy Birthday Pa! im thankful and happy that God gave me another day knowing that you're still here with me.




i miss you....