slaying his demons

for you to understand this post, you might want to check Antino's blog first.

I'm angry, at myself for wanting to see her so badly. ---it’s just normal, right? We miss each other so much.. it’s been over a month since we last saw each other and it’s really hard

I'm angry that seeing her costs money. ---im sorry. If only I can do something. But as long as im still in school, there’s really nothing I can do but to wait for you to come here. And im so thankful for the effort you’re putting.

I'm angry at myself for not landing any gigs. ---you’ll get one soon. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re too focused on not landing any gigs that it’s really happening.

I'm angry at myself for not selling any poetry books. ---you sold 3 last night. That’s better than nothing

I'm angry at myself for not having a real job. ---love whatever you have right now. There are people who don’t even have an income (Hi to ME!) There’s no such thing as real job. Just because you’re not working in a company and sitting in an office or working from 9-5 means you don’t have a real job.

I'm angry at myself for not knowing how to play the guitar or sing. ---let’s be angry together coz I don’t know how to play the guitar, too. I can sing for you though. And just because you can’t do those things, doesn’t make you less of a person.

I'm angry at myself for not being able to make peace with the fact that she has crushes on every guy who picks up a guitar and sings. ---so NOT TRUE! Maybe I like them because of their music, because of their songs and not them. it just looks like I like every one of them because music is part of me. It’s in my blood.

I'm angry that I'm not one of those guys. ---be happy about it! Why? Coz if you’re one of them then you’re just ONE OF THEM. I LOVE YOU now. For who you are. And im glad you are not one of them. you’re a stand out! And im glad I have you.

I'm angry at her guy friends for being so boyfriend-close to her. ---I love you! And im sorry. You already know why im close to them. but im not like that to all of them. and why do you think im so good with you now? It’s because they thought me how to be a guy..

I'm angry at her body for looking so damn hot. ---really? Im hot? Thank you! Oh, haha! Im hot because you love me. im hot because I love you. Im hot because I have you. You really don’t have a choice. =P

I'm angry at the way I went out to the Arts Festival to sell 15 books, but only sold three. ---be thankful! 3 people are now reading your books. And they could be sharing it with other people now. Hang in there.

Why can't I just be happy that she got to go out and have fun? ¬---coz you’re being a worrywart like me! Me trying to have fun is really no fun when you’re not here. Swear! It’s really different. Why do you think I went home early? It’s because I’d rather spend the night alone here in the apartment talking to you than be surrounded by a bunch of people I hardly know.

I'm angry that a handsome guy with a good guitar hand and a soothing voice made her happy. ---as if a pretty girl with a good piano fingers and a heavenly voice don’t make you happy… oh and girls with good guitar hands, too? (shout out to Alicia Keys, Zee Avi, Yuna, Ingrid Michaelson, Esperanza Spalding…. ) and they could make me happy but they’re nothing compared to how you make me happy.

I'm angry at Myspace for harboring so many attractive male musicians. ---trust me, there’s not much of them. and most of them are just being extra friendly coz they’re trying to sell their music.

I'm angry at how she talks to all of them. ---I don’t talk to all of them! ack! I hardly even go on-line on myspace anymore. And if I talk to them, it’s because of their song. Not because I want to be boyfriend-close to them.

I'm angry at how they make her feel. ---their music. Not them. part of the reason why im still here, being strong about us is because of their music.

I'm angry at how I can't stop them from sweeping her off her feet because I don't even have a guitar, or a voice, to defend myself with. ---there’s nothing to stop because they’re not sweeping me off my feet! I already have you! You don’t need a guitar or a voice to defend yourself, because im yours already and no one can take me away from you.

I'm angry at how I want to compete with them with my cards and my pen. ---even without competing, you’ve already WON!

I'm angry that I chose those art forms- she figures out my tricks, and my words give her nosebleeds. ---im glad you chose those art forms. Why do you think I figured out some of your tricks? Because im too obsessed with you that I want to learn and understand what you are doing. You made nosebleeds FUN! Seriously. I love listening to you. I love hearing you talk and im sorry if sometimes it appears like you’re talking to yourself. It’s just that it makes me happy hearing you that sometimes I get lost in that world.

I'm angry at how that's not her thing. ---not my thing? Think again. If it’s not my thing then I wouldn’t be this supportive to your craft. And I’ll be already gone. Remember how windy I am? LOOK! Im still here with you. 

I'm angry at how I am. ---but I LOVE YOU! And will love you no matter what stupid state you are in.


8888 Arthur. We’re learning a lot from each other and I know it’s hard learning it from halfway around the world. Nobody said it’s going to be easy. But this is temporary. Everything that is happening is teaching us how to be a better person for each other. Remember what Mark said about not having to worry coz there’s really nothing to worry about?  distance is our only enemy and where about to conquer it. Im about to start another semester and im almost at the finish line. Smile! We’re getting there. I love you, Arthur Antonio! …always and forever