13th grandchild's backbone

it's Papa's birthday today and its been years since i last spent it with him back home. this is the time where i really want to be there with him. i know he doesn't want to celebrate because he just lost his brother last month and he is still grieving. but i just want to be there for him. if not celebrate, then grieve with him. i miss him. i was home last christmas vacation and i felt like he needs me more there. and i feel bad because im still in school. if i was able to graduate sooner then maybe i could spend more time with him now. he tells my Ate that he still can't believe that Uncle Del is gone. he keeps on askin why Uncle and not him. he's the older brother and he's more sick. i know he's just having a hard time accepting it. i feel sad that he is sad. i feel even more sad because no matter how i cheer him up and tell him about positive things, it seems like he's ignoring it. i wish i could hug Papa now and hold his hands and tell him that everything's ok. that Uncle is in a better place and he's happy and he won't like it if we're sad down here. but i also know that there are no words that can make him feel better. but i know that a hug would help. and im not there to give him that. and it really sucks!

i hope and pray that he'll still have a nice birthday with Ate Neng, Ate, Papsh and the kids and the rest of the family. i hope and pray that he'll be ok soon.

Pa, i love you! you might think that im still mad and still blaming you for what happened to our family but i honestly have forgiven you a long time ago. you gave me strength. you taught me to fight. you taught me to stand up for what i believe in. you gave me hope. you taught me to have faith. you taught me LIFE. im sorry for not being the daughter you expected me to be. i know im stubborn and unpredictable most of the times and im sorry but that's because im on my way on making you proud. i just took a different route. i can't wait! im so excited to see you smile and really happy! im almost there.


Happy Birthday Pa! im thankful and happy that God gave me another day knowing that you're still here with me.




i miss you....