TRAVIS pt.2

i know it's still your day but it's already 30 here now. so just another itsy bitsy thing for you before i go to sleep.. here's a song i stumbled upon yesterday.

you always say how much you want to make me smile..

listen...

Don't need the sun to shine, To make me smile,
Don't care if it's dark outside,
Cos I got you,
And though the rain may fall,
No I won't care at all,
Cos baby,
I know that I got you.

uhmm.. the other 2 doesn't exist. there's only 1 and YOU know who he is.
oh, and don't give me such a hard time na coz it's not your birthday anymore. haha!

TRAVIS....

ooohhh... a post dedicated to you! now you might think you're special.. hah! uhmmm... it's still 28 there but it's 29 here already. so, since it's you're day, well ok... you're special! haha!!! jk. birthday or not YOU ARE SSSSSPPPPPEEEEAAAAACCCCIIIIIIIAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

i don't have any present or anything but i hope you appreciate the little things i do. though i don't really do much. haha!

im thinking of posting your photos here. but i changed my mind. someone else might discover you. haha! but, here's one...

xoxo

anyway, i'm late for class.. you're not ol so im sending my greetings through my blog.

Na nn nu rul hwang sang saeng gak hae.
Na wa ham gge it ul re!

im not really sure if that's right. Jin Soo just taught me that last night. :) So, im learning Korean now. haha! Now you have to learn Tagalog, Bisaya and a bit of Spanish and Korean. :p


lotsa lots of aggie love!

...ttyl!

ganun pa rin

I AM JUST AS STUPID AS EVER!




..complicated
..unsure
..uncertain

..and i'm as blurry as this photo can get!

adik sayo!

i never really admitted that im a jealous person. well, i believe im not.

ok, allow me to clear it. yes, i DO get jealous BUT.. BUT if im so much into someone, yes. even though i like someone, i don't get jealous easily. so there's a hint. if i get jealous, it means, you got me. you got me so bad!

it was one of the very rare times that i admitted that im jealous. grrrr!!! i hated admitting it! makes me so weak! pero, parang na trap na ako so i just said it. keeping what you feel isn't nice and it just adds to confusion. so, here i am again, letting it all out. well, not all, i guess. haha!

uhmmm.. i asked him to wait. he did. i feel bad every time i ask him to but it feels good seeing him on-line. and knowing that he really waited for you for how many hours. i was able to talk to him a couple of hours ago and it gives me this feeling na para bang "i can do everything!" or like, "im happy! nothing can ruin my day."

some might say im being delusional. that im stupid. SO? i know anong pinasukan ko. this isn't the 1st time. i learned my lesson kay mikz [special mention ka pa, LOKO KA! haha!]. pero, seryoso.. maybe its an i-knew-it-all-along or overconfidence phenomenon. whatever it is, im willing to go all over it again.

he's still idle. been idle for almost 3 hours now. [WHAT ARE YOU DOING?] ...you know i can't wait as long as you do. even if i want to, that means me, sleeping in class the next day. i know you don't want that. haha!

so, before i go to sleep and dream bout the future, uhmmm... here's something for my pet whore/it's complicated on fb/foofie/bf/ ...what's next? haha! seriously, i was about to exit my playlist when i realized what the song is all about. listen to it and ttyl. =)

WHATEVER IT TAKES

-xoxo-

hindi pwedeng ganito lagi...

i have no idea what to say here.

wala na kasing magawa. im done tutoring, i've answered surveys on friendster, finished updating my facebook and edited my youtube account. i have no plans of visitng my myspace though. i don't know why. i just got bored with it. but im gonna make sure that before the summer ends, im gonna do a revamp on my page on myspace. i can't just abandon my friends there. i miss talking to them actually but im just taking a time out.

anyway, im just listening to some songs i downloaded last night. leona lewis. tamia. jonas brothers [lol!]. songs from one tree hill and the movie raising helen. and some other random artists..

im waiting for him. again. i know i should just call it a day. take a shower and READ! pero stay lang muna for a couple of minutes. malay mo, dba? nku! am i being a martyr na? OMG! this can't be right... tsk2x! basta! after posting this, i'll log out right away na. it's almost past midnight anyway. i can't stay up late.

oh, i was happy coz like i've been told na pumayat raw ako. and a couple of my friends noticed it. sobrang happy ko! hahah! i eat A LOT! but then i appear like im losing weight. nice! :) .. maybe because im really hyper, and i sleep late. sleeping late.. i have to erase that too. pumapayat nga ako dun pero eyebags naman kalaban ko. so not cute! hahay..

wait, didn't i started my blog with, "i don't know what to say here?" but im ranting nanaman.. nku naman.. pasensya na. ganito lang talaga ako pag walang magawa. tiko din ang utak. lintiK!

.. keep on waiting

... so, this is how it feels like ...

waiting for someone, staring at the computer for hours, taking a nap and getting back on and still not seeing that someone. hah! ..

... this is what it feels like ...

thinking of that someone so hard and wanting to talk to that person. though i don't really talk. whatever!
when most of your friends are on line but that one person isn't ..

oh well, there's nothing else i can do but to just well, WAIT.

thing is, i'm not good with that. i don't like to wait. im not patient. well, you might already know that if you've read my previous post about waiting in my other blog. if not, well, now you know.

but, i don't know. it seems like i don't really care if i have to wait for that person for a long time.

i JUST don't.

"i'm PROUD of you"

i've always wanted to hear those words from my dad. i've always wanted to make him proud. may it be about school or being a good daughter or through my talents. i always see to it that he would be happy with the things i do.

but i never heard him say that. even if i won in my my high school's beauty pageant or been part of my school's paper or being sent to seminars and workshops or the time i won best speaker sa debate na sinalihan ko nung college ako. or the time where i was able to travel alone. even nung time where i ran for our school's government for press relations officer against one of the top kids in school and won! ... little things like performing in front of a lot of people or when i learned how to play drums.

i always wondered why he never told me that. i thought it doesn't matter to him. all he talks about was how my brother is so good and how proud he is about him and how i should be like my brother. i hate it! one thing i really don't like is when i'm being compared to my siblings or cousins or friends.

anyway, it almost a year when i transfered here in Cebu City. the 4th city tinirhan ko. people around me or yung mga nakakusap ko sa net never fails to ask me kung pano ko nakakayanan lahat ng mga pinagdaraanan ko. usually, they ask me that after they get to know my life's story. kahit ako, nagtataka. pano nga ba?

since 4 years old ako, i saw and heard and been through a lot. they would ask how come i can remember the things that happened when i was 4. i don't know. i just do. and whenever i think about it, sobrang fresh pa ng dating. para bang kahapon lang nangyari. until now, dami pa ring drama ng buhay ko.

difference lang siguro from the other people my age na nakaranas ng niranasan ko e, i never gave up! kahit nung bata pa ako, go lang ako ng go kahit sobrang nasasaktan na ako. yung point na i want to give up na coz im tired and i can't see any reason why i should still fight. at the end of the day, i still tell myself na, "wag lang. one day at a time. kaya ko to!" ..

dala2x ko yun hanggang ngayon.

the other day, i was thinking about it sa jeep. yung ability ko na tawanan lang mga problems, yung go lang ako ng go kahit na parang wala ng pag-asa. yun mga times na the people around me wants to give up na and parang im left alone to do things on my own, ok lang din ako. yes, there were times na ayaw ko na pero sinong talo? ako rin, e..

naisip ko lang din kung bakit ganun ako. long story pero it all boils down to my dad. he's the reason why i fight. the reason why i don't easily give up in life! so, i texted him, said THANK YOU! he asked me why. i told him the story and said i that i owe it to him that's why im saying thank you. for him to know na kahit ganun nangyari sa family namin, kahit daming problems na bumagsak or kahit na gano ko sya ka hate (before) e, i still thank him for everything! if not because of him, i wouldn't be this strong.

and guess what? the words i sooooo wanted to hear for a very long time, i FINALLY heard/read.

"you made me shed a tear. anyway, I AM PROUD OF YOU! you may not be the daughter i expected you to be but you turned out better that i thought. im happy! i love you, anak!"

those words really strucked me! i was in the jeepney and tears were rolling down my face. i just want to hug my dad right then and there. i want to make him feel that i love him so much too and the hatred i had e, sobrang tagal nang wala.

are spirits true?

you may call me a freak after reading this but i don't care.

i can't really remember when i started being interested about life after death, spirits, ghosts.. all i know was since i was a kid, like 7 or 8 years old, i think, i love hearing ghost stories even if it scares me and i love watching horror films even if i end up having only 2-3 hours of sleep.

i was in high school when i stumbled upon some of my dad's books about reincarnation. nahirapan ako na i-digest lahat so i went to my dad and asked him about it. he told me na he had lots of books about it pero my grandad, threw it away. the book was written by Jaime Licauco, i'm not sure if you've heard bout him but he's famous when it comes to spirit world. there was a time rin na i got instrested about witchcraft. a friend of mine studied in Australia for a year and when she got back, she showed me some books about witch craft, and i can't stop myself from reading it. i admit, i tried some of the spells. haha!

if you're gonna ask me if i had my share of encounters with spirits or ghosts, well, im not really sure. i mean, i was in 6th grade when i saw my uncle who passed away a month before. sobrang nanigas ako dun! i was in a jeepney and he was standing infront of his car shop talking to 2 other guys. he even smiled at me! sigurado ako na i wasn't hallucinating. and in my grandparents house, every 12 midnight, tumutunog yung chime sa door. that's so impossible coz that only happens if may lumalabas or pumapasok. and if you're thinking na baka hangin lang yun, you're wrong. coz all of the windows are closed na at that time. naisip na lang namin na, lolo used to go out sa garden every 12 midnight. so, maybe it's his spirit.

usually, i have some sort of premonition in my dreams. sobrang vague kaya later ko na minsan marealize what it means. like i wake up coz hirap na akong huminga, then later on i'll find out na one of my friends is having an asthma attack. or the time na i had a dream bout someone na nabunggo ng car then a couple of days later, someone from the neighborhood had a car accident.

and i have this ugali na biglang magtatanong sa kung sino mang kasama ko. like, "what if a batchmate of mine will die?", "what if tomorrow, i won't wake up?", stuff like that. what happened next? a blockmate of mine died from dengue a month after and i had series of nightmares a couple of days later when i asked what if i won't wake up.

i don't know. maybe sa isip ko lang lahat, di ba?

but, last friday around 1pm, i was in my ReEd 30 classroom with my friend, Gen. we we're alone in the room and kwentuhan lang kami. when suddenly, umandar yung ceiling fan! sobrang nagulat kami to the point na nagtitigan na lang kaming dalawa for a couple of seconds then i stood up, looked for the switch and turned it off. we were both wondering since naka aircon naman, tska kaming dalawa lang yung nasa room.

and just an hour ago, here sa apartment, while checking my friendster account and listening to music, i heard someone knock at the door and said, "wa koy susi". so i thought it was my cousin. so i opened the door for her, when i realized na there's no one out there. i thought she's just playing a trick on me pero halos 2 minutes na akong nakatayo sa may door e, wala pa rin. i looked outside again and wala nga talagang tao! i was so nervous that i immediately closed all the windows and locked the doors.

i really don't know how to explain all of it. maybe sobrang wild lang ng imagination ko or product yun ng sobrang pag watch ko ng Ghost Whisperer.

but whatever it is, i really want to know! i want to understand why such things happen.

i'm scared, yes.. but not as scared as i used to be. we are just scared lang naman coz we don't understand what's happening or why it's happening. as for me, i'll continue reading and be open sa mga possibilities.

"teacher! teacher!"

i'm not really good in English. i mispell words, i have wrong grammar and i pronounce some words wrongly. but that doesn't stop me for doing something like writing and now, teaching english to koreans.

yep! im an english tutor! haha! im tutoring a 21 year old korean girl and a 17 year old boy. im having so much fun with the girl coz, all we do is talk! she doesn't want a book, she wants to share stories. so it's not much of a hassle to me since we could talk about alot of things. but it's different with the boy coz i should teach him grammar. CORRECT GRAMMAR! like, how am i supposed to do that if i can't even remember my lessons back in high school!?!

but then, i was given a book. and when i scanned it, it talks bout present simple, past continuous, modal verbs, gerunds, passive, quantifiers, nouns, articles.... WHAT?! seriously, i can't remember anything. now i should have listened to my english teachers. grrrr...

so now, while im teaching, im also learning. i can't afford to teach them wrong english grammar. so i have to strive too.

my mom was a filipino teacher. i've been in her classes. she brings me along when i was a kid and when i got older, i'd visit her in her school and observe. i can say she LOVES it! she loves to teach! she loves interacting with her students and helping them. i admire my mom a lot! but i don't really like her profession.

standing infront of room full of noisy students. teaching them over and over again. reminding of their lessons. checking their homeworks and test papers, computing their grades and trying to discipline them is such a tiring job.

i know what im doing is different from my mom's. i only tutor 1 person/hr and my mom teaches a bunch of kids for a whole day! but we both teach.

i never really thought that i would love what im doing now. yes, i suck in grammar but im learning together with my student. and i think its great! coz i don't feel like its work. im having so much fun that i don't care if i don't know how to explain the lesson to them anymore or if im thirsty already or if im getting tired from all the talking. im just loving it!

plus, i like the way they say "teacher! teacher!" hahaha! we're almost of the same age but hearing them call me that, feels nice. im still a college student but they're calling me teacher! hahah! idk. i just find it cute.. well, im shallow. what can i say? =)

..now i know

"don't do unto others what you don't want others do unto you"

i always believe in that saying. especially when it comes to L-O-V-E. i saw my mom cry whenever she and my dad had a fight. i saw my sister cried her eyes out because of some guy. and my brother get pissed or be quiet in a corner just because some girl broke his heart. i saw my friends breakdown because of love, marriages fall apart, people falling out of love.

i promised that if im gonna be in a relationship, i'll take care of it. i will love that person no matter what. im so naive to say that. i thought things like that are easy. hah!

i had this relationship with someone. we were together for 9 months. he was really special! everything was great until i had to leave. we were in a long distance relationship for 3 months. and there was a time i visited him, and i felt like he was pushing me away already. he's not as sweet, not as caring. he's just not the same person i know. it hurts a lot! but i shrug it off. pretended like everything's fine. but after a couple of weeks, we broke up.

it was hell! i was like a zombie, a cry everyday, i don't eat much, i don't talk much, it seemed like everything around me doesn't matter anymore. i don't know how i got over it. but im glad i did. i never really understood what happened because we never really talked about it.

it's not until now that everything became clear. i just broke up with my boyfriend like a week ago. my reason? i fell out of love. u probably know that already if you read my previous post. but anyway, stupid as may sound, i let go of someone i dreamt of. someone i asked for. he's close to being perfect! nice guy, good looking, sweet and caring and sensitive to my feelings. family-oriented, respects me and my family and friends. he was always there. he never left me.

what happened? i don't know, too. i don't know why in just a snap of a finger, everything i felt for him vanished. i kept on asking myself WHY. he's already infront of me, im holding him and i decided to let him slip from my grip.

my boyfriend of 9 months told me before that he can't explain his side. that it's hard. now i understand why. but why does something like this have to happen just for me to understand everything and accept things as they are?

why does someone else have to experience the pain i felt before? why him? he doesn't deserve any of it.
i feel bad. so bad that i blame myself for everything...

"don't do unto others what you don't want others do unto you"
--but i just did.

... IM SORRY for the nth time!!!! i didn't mean to hurt you.. it never even crossed my mind.