see her unfold

im just human. i make mistakes like every one does. and i'm trying to make up for those stupid mistakes. everyday i'm hunted by those mistakes. every day i try to cover it up with something nice. but every day, i know behind those eyes are disappointments and lies.

i'm getting older and i should've known better. there's no excuses for my decisions and actions. i know that. coz at some point, i wanted that to happen. but i'm not perfect. and i'm still a work in progress. everyone of us are. and i'm sorry for the pains i've caused. i'm getting older and i should've known better. but somehow, i'm still stuck on being this little girl who longs for her mom.

every day is a struggle. i'm not being ungrateful or anything. i am absolutely grateful for my family and friends around. but everyday i'm struggling to find myself and pull myself out of that little girl. if you lost your mom at a young age, grew up in a broken family, heard your parents fight every night, see your mom cry, you'd know what i'm talking about. actually, i was pretty much ok when my parents separated. it was when my mom passed away that had a huge impact in me.

as much as i'm trying to be a better person, just when i'm about to put the last piece, i breakdown again. over and over and over.. an unending cycle. i need my mom. i seriously need her. she's my refuge and cornerstone. my backbone. and she left. she told my aunt how i'll be okay because my dad and siblings will take care of me and that she knows that even if things'll go wrong, i'll still be fine. i hope so.

i have my family and GOD knows how much i want to make them proud again. i used to do that. getting good grades even if i've engaged myself to a lot of extra curricular activites, saving a lot money from my allowance, being sent to seminars and workshops and contests each year... they were happy. and i can't wait for the day to see them happy about me again. i hope i'm on the right track now. i don't care if i have to breakdown everyday as long as i can make them happy. because i owe them a lot.

im not a bad person. but i break, too. and sometimes, people mistook that for me being such a brat. and it's sad because they don't really ask what's wrong. and that's one reason why i need my Ma. because even if she's sooo mad at me, she listens. not that the people around me doesn't listen. they do. but it's different when it's your mom. there's a huge difference!

idk what i'm saying anymore.

i guess i just wanted to say sorry to everyone i have offended. sorry for the pains and hurt i have caused. sorry that i appear ungrateful. sorry if i rant a lot. sorry if i've been disrespectful. sorry for the times i acted like a total brat. sorry for being such a pain in the a**. sorry for not doing the things you've expected from me.

but i wish you would also see the positive things i have done and not dwell on the negatives. i wish you would understand that it's hard for me too. i wish you'd understand where i came from and that i'm trying to be better. i wish that you'd stop thinking that i'm ungrateful because every minute of the day, i pray and thank God for the blessings bestowed upon me. i also pray for the people who are helping me, that you will all be showered with so much graces. but again, there's no way to please everyone. so i'll just do my very best to please those who means the most to me. my family.

i know i sometimes act differently from what i say and vice versa. and it's complicated. but i'm putting an effort. if that's not enough, i will exert more just so things'll be better.

my blog is serving its purpose. letting me rant. i feel a lil better now. i'll feel a whole lot better though when the time comes that the people around me is smiling and happy and proud of the person i have become.