DEAR PAPA

dear papa,

these past weeks, i've been thinking of u constantly than ever. i miss u.
in everything i do, it seems like you're all that i remember.
i miss you, pa!

the passing of former president cory aquino and watching kris, give her blow by blow on the last days of her mom made me think about our relationship. made me remember my last days with mama.

pa, i know i've done a lot of things that made you sad and mad. things i'm not proud of. words that i wish i could take back. but, i think those things and those words made us wiser and stronger. and i must say, even tigher.

the last weeks im there in cotabato was not easy but i treasure it the most. we don't have the best relationship back then because i know you're disappointed but those are the times i realized that you are the most important person in my life. as much as i don't want to leave, i have to because i need to find myself.

i won't say that i found myself but im getting there. on the way, i almost gave up. because on the process of looking for myself, i almost lost everything. the biggest mistake i unconsciously made. i thought, i always thought that everything's gonna be ok but for the nth time, i was wrong. last year was a crazy year for me. 'twas the first time i thought about running away and ending my life because i was so ashamed of what happened. and im still dealing with right now. im disappointed with myself, too. i don't trust myself anymore. and that's the lowest of all.

i kept on talking about this because it's the only way i could let go of everything.

i miss talking to you about everything. i miss oour movie marathons. i miss our foodtrips. i miss us playing uno stacko's, domino, scrabble, word games. i miss our conversations about latest issues and about people. i miss our saturdays where we would do the laundry. i miss our sundays together where we attend the mass at Cathedral and eat after. i miss visiting you at your office and having merienda at the canteen. i miss how you would tutor me on my lessons about income tax return and photography, how you would review me on my lessons. i miss how you would cook pancit canton early in the morning to keep me up while studying. the way you repair things and ask me to get the hammer or look for the screwdriver. i miss the way you teach me how to cook. i miss our music sessions. my noisy music and your slow jam songs. i still remember your appreciation on jeniffer lopez and spongecola.

i can go on for hours on the things i missed. but doing that will only make me cry and miss you even more.

pa, take care of yourself. we still have a lot of things to do. you need to be on my graduation day. have our vacation. do a lot of foodtrips.. and you're job to walk me on the aisle on my wedding day. you have to meet your apo and play with them just like you're doing now with ate's 3 muskeeters.

i may not communicate much but i hope you know and feel how much i love you. and how much i appreciate having you as my father.

i can't wait to see you again.

agnes