on turning 22

i've always been excited about my birthday coming up. but this year, im not. it's not that im not grateful for the another year given to me. it's just that, i feel like there's a lot of things i still haven't done and im running out of time. i know this is my fault because of the wrong decisions and wrong roads i took. i've always thought that by 20 years old, im done with school and by the age of 22, i have a job im happy about at the same time im back in school to earn another degree.

if u ask me what happened, i would say i don't know. but that was before. i always say i don't know because i want to find something else or someone to blame on. but then, i realized, im the only person to blame.

if you've been following my blog for the past year then you would think that im so pathetic and immature and stupid. i wouldn't blame u because that's exactly what im thinking right now. how could i allow myself to be like this? there was a lot of instances that i could have done the right thing. but, i didn't. i was so busy having fun and too scared to say no. i believe in seizing the moment but i've been seizing it for the wrong reasons. now im paying for it.

im turning 22 on june 10. 22 and still stuck in school. and probably be still in school for the next 3 years. that's not how i imagined it. 3 years is short u would say. but living with your married brother who seems to always find ways to remind u of what you've done, 3 years could mean 30 years. dragging. its like a movie on rewind except that it doesn't play back the good things you've done. a broken record.

right now, im thinking of ways to earn money. as much as possible something i don't want my brother to know about. but hell, im blogging about it. whatever! he doesn't read my blog anyway. and if by any chance, u know him. do me a favor. forget to mention this to him. PLEASE! there's just a lot of reasons why i don't want him to know. i've done this before and it was ok to him at first but later on, he asked my what do i need money for? it sounds stupid for me because, we're not rich. and im trying to help out. at least i won't ask for allowance anymore coz i was earning at least 2 thousand a week. but for him, it's just another reason for me to go out and hang-out with my friends.

whatever!

... what do i want for my birthday? there's a lot of things i want. i love dresses and bags! i love love eating out! i would love to have a new phone... but, i would sell all my bags and give my fave clothes to anyone, not eat but bread for a week or two and not have a phone even for a year in exchange of a plane ticket to cotabato city to see my family and spend even just a day or two with them. i haven't seen them for almost 2 years and it wrecks my heart. it's hard to describe how much i long for them every single day. they're all i got. and it feels like im losing them.


with my sister and his eldest son, Yco and my Dad.taken a few years ago. if im not mistaken 'twas the month i left for Cebu.