... mothers

2nd day of being all alone here in the apartment. all i did yesterday was eat, read, try to finish my papers for school, watch tv, and go online.
but today is different. today's Mothers day.

i don't want to go out coz i know i'll just get jealous of seeing mothers and daughters together. i don't want to switch the tv on coz everything's all bout mothers. so i tried finishing my paper but all i can think off is my mom. see, im taking up Special Education and my mom used to be a teacher. eat? i miss my mom's cookin and the way she takes care of me. read? well, ok but the book im reading right now is bout a family. go online? well, i am now. its just that mothers day's all over the web too. but whatever! its just gonna be 1 day, right?

when i was a kid, i always make paper cards for my mom. i'd draw flowers and a sun. that's my favorite. and i'll put happy mother's day! i love u ma! on the other side. im not much of an artist so that's what i did every year. the only thing that has changed was what i write on the other side. my mom kept every paper cards i made for her. i forgot when i stopped doing that. i can't even remember giving her presents after those cards. all i know is that i'd always try to make her happy. idk. im a brat but deep inside all i want is for her to be happy with what i do. i was able to give her that --i think. i always received awards in school and i know how to save money. so whenever we're having a hard time with money, i'd lend her my savings. well, give her actually. i just used the word lend coz it made me feel like im a grown-up.

i've changed a lot when she passed away. thinking bout it, i became someone i don't recognize anymore. im always confused, i always make excuses, i became numb at some point, i forgot bout doing good for my future.... my mom is my all. she's my refuge. my cornerstone. i lost everything 8 years ago and up until now im having a hard time looking for the pieces.

mom visits me more often now through my dreams. i love it! its hard to remember every detail but i try to. makes me feel like she never really left.

i miss u ma! i know u know that. i know u can feel that.no matter how many steps i take to be mature and independent, just as u want me to be, i end up falling twice the number of steps i make. its coz i always look for you. i know you're happy where you are. and u deserve that hapiness. i just missed u a lot and im having a hard time figuring things out. i can't seem to solve the equation.


mama and i when i was around 9 years old, i think. and my sister in-law and brother visiting my moms grave last January

----will i see u on my dreams tonight? lets celebrate! we'll sing songs from sound of music and of boyzone. haha! then we'll drown ourselves with food. you love that, remember? and you'll tell funny stories about your students and co-teachers. and i'll tell you stories about what's happening in school and how much i love being a SpEd major... i'll see tonight, ok? that's a DATE! don't break it. love u! oh and i'll just keep my paper card for u. i'll give it when its my time to go.

my sister has 3 little pigs. oh! geez! 3 kings i mean.. wait, no.. they're musketeers! oh i know.... 3 stooges fits em better.... lol!
so, that makes my sister a mother! hmmm... even before she had her eldest, she's already a mother. at least to me. she became my mom when our mom passed away. no, we're not tight and all, we even fight like cats and dogs but i don't have a choice, don't i? don't get me wrong, i love her to bits! that's just how we were.

i think after she had yco (eldest son), that's when we became real close. real close i mean, big fights, trash talks, ignoring each other and stuff. i guess coz i got really jealous coz she has ababy already and i feel like im out of the picture. so i started being mean and all. again, i don't know how and when we became ok. and i mean OK. we would talk like real sisters would do and be like adult and all. of course we have moments of happy times before but it was way better when i got older because then i'd understand her and vice versa.

achie (that's what i call her), became my backbone in high school. clashing moments was there but whenever i need help, not just in school but with friends and boys, she was there. she would say what she thinks and give me advices. or if i had a feud with someone or someone started bitching on me first, she'll be like god-sister-zilla! i love her when she does that. she's my back up on almost everything. even if it's just a small thing but when she hears me talking bout not liking it or if im giving a fuss over it, she'll totally be there for me.

i haven't seen her for almost 2 years now. we talk on the phone, text each other, chat online and send emails to one another but its so different! before i left home, we're having so much fun and try to do things together even if she's busy with her 2 boys. her youngest, Gavin was just born last year. no matter how busy she is, even if she has a family already, she makes time for me. we'll always have bonding moments. and that's what i miss the most..


my sister with her 3 boys and another pic with her husband minus baby gavin

--chie, you know i love u right? it may seem like i hate u at times but that's normal, i guess. but seriously, I LOVE U! and i miss u sooo soooo much and im sorry if we haven't seen each other for a long time now. thank you for all the help and encouragement and for not yelling at me over the phone when i told u i got kicked out from the psychology program. u don't know how much that means to me. i was so down and i can't think straight at that time. i was so scared and disappointed of myself. i felt so bad about it. i still do. but you were all mellow and just told me what to do and kept on telling me that we'll fight it together. i was ready to go home but you made me not surrender. you were just like mama. both of u never wanted me to give up. both of u believed in me even if i don't believe in myself anymore.

we'll see each other soon. i know we will. not coz someone died or something bad happened. but because its gonna be Gav's christening and i'll be one of his guardian and its going to be christmas and we'll celebrate new year together again!

i love u chie!!!! happy mothers day!