day gone bad

I called you to check how you’re doing and because im missing you. I don’t think that was a good idea. I tried cheering you up but I wasn’t successful. You were so quiet and I feel so bad for not knowing what to say, for not knowing how to comfort you. I just hope you were tired and sleepy and that you just need some rest. But what if that’s not the case?

The last minute of that phone call I started to get teary eyed. I whispered I love you and you did too and you said bye. Then the phone died… you told me you’re going to text when you’re back in Orlando. And that’s like 3 hours away. And Sam is still sleeping. I texted you but it’s been 30mins and I still haven’t gotten any reply. Why do I feel like you just left me?

I hate myself for being a worry wart. I hate myself for not being there with you. I hate myself for loving you like this. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate myself for being such a cry baby. I hate myself for being so sensitive. I hate myself because I can’t do anything. I hate myself for still being in school. I hate myself for not having a job. I hate myself for not being able to go there. I hate myself for being selfish. I hate myself for loving you so much. I hate myself for being a brat. I hate myself for wanting you. I hate myself for needing you. I hate myself so much right now!

I wish im a better person. Someone you really deserve. But it’s so hard.. I don’t know what else to do. I hope you’re not getting tired of me. And I hope that me, loving you is enough.