9 years...

last night, December 1, almost midnight ----i was so tired and sleepy so i decided to hit the sack. but the moment i turned off the lights, my sleepiness escaped me. i kept on moving in my bed and no matter how tired i was, i can't sleep.

9 years ago, while i was waiting for a replay of the Lakers game, i received a phone call. (mama was in a teacher's outing in Davao for a week that time) 'twas from my Mom's co-teacher. i already had a feeling that something's wrong because, why would she use my Mom's phone and talk to me? i'm not even close to her. and where was my Mom? ..she asked me who i was with and that i should sit down coz she has something important to tell me. i went outside of the house instead and waited for her to talk. "we're here at the hospital. your Mom had a heart attack?" took her only seconds to say that but hearing it felt like a thousand years! my mom. my mom had an heart attack and was in coma. all i can remember saying back to her was, "ok. i'll inform papa." ...but the first person i tried calling was my mom's bestfriends. i couldn't reach them so i called my brother who was in Bohol studying at that time. the last person i called was my Dad.

first thing the next morning, he picked me up and my mom's sister and brother. we dropped by in Kabacan to pick my sister who was studying there and went directly to Davao Doctor's Hospital. Mama was lying in a hospital bed in the ICU. tubes where attached to her, breathing apparatus beside her bed. i never went near her. im scared and was in denial. she's strong. she's healthy and bubbly and seeing her like that is so hard for me. i grew up with her and we were always together everyday and suddenly, she's lying helpless in a hospital bed.

December 3, kuya arrived from Bohol. we were never close. we always clash but the moment we saw each other, we just hugged like there's no tomorrow. i clung onto him like a baby telling him "kuya, si mama... si mama..." while crying the whole time. later that day, we decided to trasfer mama in a private room for there were a lot of people visiting her. some of them even traveled just to see her. the time mama's doctor called us, i know there's really nothing we can do anymore. if the doctors would revive her, she'll be a vegetable and we don't want that. mama doesn't want that. we know because she told us that before. around 6pm that day, she was slowly giving up. we all gathered around her bed. well, except for me. i never talked to her (people in coma can still hear and feel) or hugged her or kissed her like the rest of my family did. i just stood at the end of the bed, watching everyone, trying to keep myself from crying, asking God "why my Mom?" .... we all agreed to just pull the plug. they said their goodbyes. i didn't.

i never really cried. i don't want to cry. i kept on telling myself that she's just in a vacation. that she'll come home soon. i graduated in high school, went to college but i only see her in my dreams. one thing why i love to sleep is because i can see her there. i can talk to her and touch her. she's real and alive in my dreams. its sounds crazy but i'd rather leave it like that.

9 years. but as much as i want to say that im ok. im not. and i don't think i'll ever be ok. i cry everytime i think about her. im crying now. i need her. i need my mom. i don't think i'll ever be complete. papa said im growing up looking more like mama. he's seeing much of mama in my personality and how i look at life. she's with me. she's in me.

but if given a chance to spend even just an hour with her, i'll grab that. i'll grab every opportunity i could just to spend some time with her. i miss her so much! i miss our moments. i miss MAMA! i miss her...