It's NOT really goodbye

Have you ever experienced losing a loved one? But you never really made an effort of telling or letting that person feel how much he or she means to you? You just keep on thinking that they'll always be around. If not, then TRUST ME! The feeling completely SUX! You'll always going to carry the regret of ignoring that person wherever you go, whatever you do. And that is the very feeling i don't want to experience ever again. Yes, AGAIN!


See, my parents separated when i was 4 years old. Heard their arguments, witnessed their fightings, saw my Mom crying. I'm not really close to her but when Papa left, it was with her that I spent my early years with. I got used to her always being around, her rules, her cooking, voice, laugh and her stare. Then, when I was 13, she passed away.


I was young and naive and never really thought about death. I thought she'll always be around, always thought that she'll never leave me and my siblings like my Papa did. But, reality struck me when God took away my backbone.


Losing her made a great impact in my life. Everything changed! My plans, how I trust and deal with other people, the way I look at life. From Mama's little-happy-go-lucky girl, I turned into an emotional, scared and untrustful lady who acts bitter most of the time.


That experience taught me a lot! Not only about growing up but more on not wasting time, not ignoring the people around me and taking off hate out of my system. Life's too short to waste it all away. Cliche as it may sound but it's true, "You'll never know what you've got till it's gone."


I used to ask God, "why me?" My Dad left us and now He took my Mama away. I was mad! But, later on, it dawned on me. God just wanted me to learn. Its just that he taught me a lesson the hard way.


Given a chance to spend even just a day with my Mom, I definitely would. I want to taste her cooking again, break her rules, hear her voice and laugh at her silly jokes. I would love to have someone I could watch foreign movies and share Danielle Steel novels with. I want to experience having someone I could run to, someone I could call in the middle of the night, someone who would just hug me tight and listen to my heartaches. Someone who would bring me to the mall and go shopping with or just have conversations over a cup of coffee.


But, the thing I miss the most is when I say, "Ma, punta na ko school. Bye!" ..It just feels so different going to school these days with no one saying bye to. No one's answering me back and tells me to take care and to go home straight after class. I MISS HER SO MUCH! Now, i'm stuck on whispering "i miss you" and "i love you's" in the wind hoping it'll reach my Mom.


If you ask me how was I able to get through the years without my Mother? I'm not quite sure. But, I just think about this always -----

I NEVER REALLY LOST HER. I ACTUALLY GAINED AN ANGEL!