it's more than just a picture

So my pinning ceremony was done. Im happy that finally im closer to that diploma I’ve been trying to get for 7 years. Im happy but a lot is missing. Last semester, for the October graduates, I was tasked to be one of the emcees of the pinning ceremony. Watching the practicumers go up the stage with their parents made me smile and so happy because I know a couple of months from that, I will be the one up there. Now my time has come and all I want to do is cry.

I held back my tears during the whole mass and ceremony. I don’t want anyone to see me cry. I don’t want to look like a stupid emotional fool infront of them. But im in my room and now im free. I am happy but I can’t help and be sad. The excitement I had a few months ago just vanished. I was for my  Papa more than for myself. Finally, he can see me wear my practicum uniform, go up the stage and pin my nameplate. But this morning, all I had was his hanky. The moment Papa passed away, my pinning ceremony and graduation was some of the things that came into my mind. Neither my Mama nor Papa would be there. But I still have my siblings and that made me smile. Then my sister can’t make it. So it’s just my brother and sister-in-law. And im thankful they were there. It’s just not easy to watch the rest of the 103 practicumers go up on stage with their parents and smile to whoever’s taking their picture. It’s hard to watch them hug their parents and see their parents smile back at them. I seriously just want to run to the bathroom and bawl and ask God, WHY?

I graduated in preschool with just Mama and ate with me. From elementary, just Mama. From high school, just Ate. And now, just Kuya. WHY? Papa was never in the picture. And all I wanted was for him to be here with me at this moment but I guess I’m too late.

For some it would be just an ordinary day but for me it’s something big. I have failed twice but believe me or not, I WAS TRYING. But someone told me before that no matter how hard you try, if it’s not meant for you, you will never get it. And that God has a reason for everything. I accepted my failure though at times it hurts me because no matter what achievement I get, it haunts me.

I know they’re both watching from above but it would’ve been great if they were there at the Center. It would’ve been great to see them stood up when the priest asked all the parents to stand up. It would’ve been great to walk between them and go up the stage, have my nameplate pinned by either one of them and smile to whoever’s taking our picture. It would’ve been great to stand beside them, introduce my friends and tell my teachers, they’re my parents! I guess, I’ll just need to pray hard and ask God to have a repeat performance in dcity but this time, with mama and papa.

This is just one of a million moments I wished im sharing with them. But I have to settle to them just watching from heaven.

It's just a picture... But for me, it's more than JUST the click of the camera and posting of helluva number of pictures on facebook.