Coming from a broken family, seeing my sister broke down because of a guy and my brother getting all heartbroken because of a girl, my friends being cheated on by their partners got me all scared. I was still young when I got exposed to this kind of scene. And with that, I have this trust issues I just can’t seem to get off my system. I promised myself that if I get into a relationship, I’ll be a very good partner. I’ll do whatever it takes. Easy to say it but I wasn’t aware how hard it is. I thought, seeing all those things are enough for me to be a good partner. I was wrong.
I got into a relationship when I was 14 with a guy who is 2 years older than me. A guy my Dad doesn’t approve of. But still, I fought for him. At a young age, I did almost everything just to save what I have with this guy. Since it was my first, I wanted to believe that what we have is real. We only lasted for 4 months. After that I had like 5 other boyfriends and some flings. But I have to say, I’ve fallen in love only twice. The last time was early last year. And until now, I’m having a hard time trusting again. I tried and tried. Yet, still I failed. I guess I’m still not ready. I stay positive when it comes to relationships. I want to be positive.
But my being positive led me to a series of a not so good relationships and ready to bury experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being positive is not a good thing. It is. As long as you don’t get lost in your own dream world. Most of the people who don’t know much about what I’ve been through would view me as a play girl because I’m always seen with different guys. I can’t blame them. Since, I do always hang out with guys than my girl friends because I’m more comfortable with them. Anyway, I’m giving them the benefit of doubt.
If I’ll tell every single detail of the relationships I’ve been and how I got where I am now, I think I’ll be able to write a book already. Since that’s quite long, I’m just going to jump off right to the “now”. I met someone. Smile smile. Remember my last post? Yes, that’s him. Every time my phone beeps, I always hope that it’s him texting. Every time I open my Friendster account, I always hope that I have a message or a comment from him. I just can’t get him off my mind. I try my best not to think of him but I find it so hard! I don’t like this. Our situation is not easy since he is taken. I’m falling so hard to a guy who is already taken. Nice, huh? I’m no home wrecker and I curse those who are, for the reason that my very own family fell apart because of a third party. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to be part of that kind of drama. Again, it’s easy to say. My mind and heart keeps on fighting. I know what is right. But my heart is screaming for him. My mind is all about him but my heart doesn’t want to create pain for another person. My heart is starting to beat for him but my mind says it isn’t right. I thought I knew what to do. I thought with what happened to my family and with the relationships I’ve been, I’d be able to pull myself and be a good partner. Well, I just thought. I JUST THOUGHT. There’s more to life than this. I know that. But tell me, how? How can I get rid of this?
I got into a relationship when I was 14 with a guy who is 2 years older than me. A guy my Dad doesn’t approve of. But still, I fought for him. At a young age, I did almost everything just to save what I have with this guy. Since it was my first, I wanted to believe that what we have is real. We only lasted for 4 months. After that I had like 5 other boyfriends and some flings. But I have to say, I’ve fallen in love only twice. The last time was early last year. And until now, I’m having a hard time trusting again. I tried and tried. Yet, still I failed. I guess I’m still not ready. I stay positive when it comes to relationships. I want to be positive.
But my being positive led me to a series of a not so good relationships and ready to bury experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being positive is not a good thing. It is. As long as you don’t get lost in your own dream world. Most of the people who don’t know much about what I’ve been through would view me as a play girl because I’m always seen with different guys. I can’t blame them. Since, I do always hang out with guys than my girl friends because I’m more comfortable with them. Anyway, I’m giving them the benefit of doubt.
If I’ll tell every single detail of the relationships I’ve been and how I got where I am now, I think I’ll be able to write a book already. Since that’s quite long, I’m just going to jump off right to the “now”. I met someone. Smile smile. Remember my last post? Yes, that’s him. Every time my phone beeps, I always hope that it’s him texting. Every time I open my Friendster account, I always hope that I have a message or a comment from him. I just can’t get him off my mind. I try my best not to think of him but I find it so hard! I don’t like this. Our situation is not easy since he is taken. I’m falling so hard to a guy who is already taken. Nice, huh? I’m no home wrecker and I curse those who are, for the reason that my very own family fell apart because of a third party. I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to be part of that kind of drama. Again, it’s easy to say. My mind and heart keeps on fighting. I know what is right. But my heart is screaming for him. My mind is all about him but my heart doesn’t want to create pain for another person. My heart is starting to beat for him but my mind says it isn’t right. I thought I knew what to do. I thought with what happened to my family and with the relationships I’ve been, I’d be able to pull myself and be a good partner. Well, I just thought. I JUST THOUGHT. There’s more to life than this. I know that. But tell me, how? How can I get rid of this?
How can you rid off a guy who can make you smile with just a Hi? How can you get rid of guy who can make you stand up early in the morning just because he wakes up early? How can you get rid of a guy who makes you get out of your house in the middle of the night just because he’s bored and he wants to hang out? How can you get rid of a guy who made you slow down in drinking just because he said so? How can you get rid of guy that made you willing to do anything he asks for your own good? How can I get rid of a guy who makes me feel “this” way again? The very feeling I had early last year. How can I get rid of him without even trying if we could have something?
Without even trying.. trying means trying to ruin his relationship with his girlfriend. Trying means me, being a home wrecker. Trying means me being inconsiderate. Trying means me being selfish.
IM STUCK!
1 comment:
napaka-CHARING!!!!! at isa pang..... C-H-A-R-I-N-G!!!
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